hm.
i took friday and monday off and it’s been good. Friday was really fucking productive. It was so nice to feel like I was doing enough, for once. I got my tires rotated, did three loads of laundry (including my sheets), made a doctor’s appointment for later this month, finally dropped off some junk at VV that we’d been meaning to donate forever, and waxed my fuckin’ legs. Like… it was a lot of subsistence-type things, but in combination with the few appointment-related and socialization-demanding bits, it… did mostly feel like enough. Of course, then I was not here Saturday or Sunday and didn’t accomplish much on those days, and now it still feels like not enough of a weekend, but it’s…. I did some necessary shit, shit I’ve been putting off for a while.
My muscles are so damn sore. It’s great. I was kind of afraid I wouldn’t be able to run any of the race without causing more knee pain, but I tried to limit it to the uphill and flat parts, and was able to make it near the end before the popping really set in. worth it imo. I ran the part I wanted to run, and I finished while wearing this ridiculous polyester satin peacock-printed robe that I found on the way… I could be wrong, but it seems like walking actually helps me run without getting into that knee pain. so all i have to do is take the time to walk with intent. maybe k is right about those lunges helping, who knows. i’m scared to try things that might make it worse when i don’t know how to monitor my body effectively to improve the situation. so hopefully seeing a doctor soon will help.
the other thing about this weekend that I wanted to note, even if ofc i’m afraid of talking about it/too much/the wrong way, but… I actually felt happy at a few different moments? AND i did a decent job of DJ-ing in the car for a few different legs of the trip. those two things feel kind of like they go together. Making connections and associations between the things in my life, between the things I listen to now and the things in my library from years ago, being able to read my audience (small and private though they are, it still technically counts for what i mean). Feeling like I have music worth sharing without defaulting to just whatever recent shit counts as bland and inoffensive enough to play without fear of reaction, criticism, skepticism… something, idk.
Ohhh. This is that song that had William Shatner’s voiceover on the cover. Common People – Pulp. good2kno
I don’t know if I can hold onto this if I put it in words, but i wanted to try to remember….i wasn’t happy bc i was trying to be. things just kind of came together. it felt like luck and undeserved joy. like, my cracked tooth was hurting, my knee was still fucked, and it’s not like i was Super Psyched to be walking in the race or even to be visiting oma. it kind of just happened. and it happened alongside feeling more like a real, specific person.
but still not an economically worthwhile person, i think. one of the things i wanted to work on this weekend was job hunting shit, and hopefully i’ll at least finish shooping my future profile pic for when i finally get my shit together, but i still don’t feel… hireable. which is fucking ridiculous, god. i AM getting old and even the people who took a long time to figure out their passion/whatever were my age when they got it figured out. so i don’t have any excuse. I just… don’t do things. or learn things, ever. a flyer actually came in the mail from a nearby community college on thursday or friday and i was thinking maybe i should look for some night classes relating to math or comp sci or graphic design or something. (or, hell, wordpress.) there was an intro to drawing class listed, but it was during the day 🙁 the cool thing was that a lot of the classes listed were under $200, which would be actually doable. i feel really out of the loop, like i missed several years where i was supposed to be continuing to improve myself and learn more things… fuck dude, i don’t know. even when i work on improvements and learning, i’m still missing something, i think. i’m just missing something that other people have/use/know, involving critical thinking and some kind of social context or something. it just doesn’t occur to me.
i guess if i want it to work how getting back into music enough to feel competent w/it worked, i just have to find some good, worthwhile sources to get my info from, and take what works for me. sucks cause there’s no public job radio that i can passively enjoy absorbing on my way to and from work. 😛
Oh, I also wanted to say… I’ve been having a lot more vivid dreams lately? It’s cool and interesting and I like it. Last night I dreamed that Garak was granted his fondest desire by some kind of spirit from the Avatar ‘verse, and that desire was apparently to be human? So he lost all his ridges and… in my dream he had this, like, MASSIVE nose. And he was taller and more scrawny as a human, for whatever fucking reason. I remember questioning in the dream how that could be his greatest wish, how it didn’t fit with his character in any of the other episodes. Then, he asked me to be there for him for some kind of… doctor appointment? This Thursday at 2:45 pm or something like that. I said yes, then later grumbled to myself about how i was going to ask for that time off. Idk.
I keep forgetting to write a backstory for halflings for this Pathfinder group I’ve apparently signed up to attend. After a cursory google, I’m thinking if I were going to make a backstory that references that shit, I’d keep the dismissal by other, larger races–and rather than directly confront it and demand a place in human/whoever’s society, halflings tend to either reciprocate that dismissal, or use it to their advantage? Idk. I’m too aware of the existing racial/disability-related flavors in this exchange without knowing how to handle them respectfully. Maybe there is no unified halfling attitude towards larger races. Some have carved out a place for themselves among humans, or elves, or whoever. Which I guess means they’re geographically diverse? Am I stepping on the toes of any other fantasy race if they’ve been nomadic at times and frequently close to nature? Even if they don’t share a particular perspective on larger folks with their halfling neighbors, they tend to form communities of primarily halflings, close to nature. Maybe some act as intermediaries, or are closer to “integration” with or functioning within the society of other nearby races, due to their geography.
Okay. I’ll think about that more later, after i haven’t wasted this day completely.