i’ve been thinking about making a post for a couple days now. or, at least, i’ve wanted to write about some shit. now i’m here, definitely after all the things have been at their strongest in my brain. some of it was social shit. i felt like i was actually… somehow i had the feeling i was actually making improvements. do i remember how, right now? no. it was a flavor, a feeling. i am in a lot more social situations lately. d&d on the regular. driving on the highway totally counts as a social situation in the way i mean. like. you HAVE to be paying attention to the “body” language of the drivers around you in order to tell what they’re gonna do, since most of the time they think about it before signaling, and only signal once they’ve started doing the thing. if there’s even a signal for the thing they’re doing.
dammit i remembered a fragment and then it slipped away again. something about… getting older and giving less fucks. like….i don’t know why i’m doing this, but more often in the mornings, i come in more cheerful and shit. and i’m fine with just saying hey to everyone, instead of just feeling intimidated. It’s not like THAT much has changed or I’m being super outgoing compared to how I used to be… it’s just… a feeling. that it doesn’t reflect badly on me to be making the first move. it’s funny how that hearkens back to my work crush shit… that was one of the first times i’d ever like, tried to reach out to someone and start talking to them, ever, that i remember. (who knows what’s actually fucking happened in my life. i don’t remember how i made friends when i was younger. maybe this has all happened before, and will all happen again.) it’s been mildly rewarding. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM BROWSER OF MINE. anyway it’s really not that big of a risk in the grand scheme of things… and i’m likely to end up treating it as a once-and-done thing cause that’s how i do, and then i’ll slide right back to how i normally do things. but here, in the context of this workplace, i’ve done a few things slightly better than baseline in terms of socializing. maybe i am doing better depression-wise. then when i have days like friday, where i re-realize how terrible and shitty and worthless and replaceable i really am, it feels that much lower.
i’m not saying what i mean. there’s still so much in my head. (also i’m playing sdv, sooo)
i’ve also been having more doubts/anxieties than usual about my relationship with m. i don’t feel loving or excited or interested most of the time, but… when i think about it, i still… want to be with her? but then i worry that that’s not real, that it’s just fear of hurting her or fear of disappointing her or whatever it was w/K back in the day that made me so instantly upset even though i didn’t feel that way about him. but at the very least…. i feel sure enough that i do want her in my life. it’s just that…. i’m not good at being vulnerable with her these days. when everything was really exciting and electric, i shared like 99% of my life, thoughts, and feelings with her. these days, i don’t feel like i can do that without getting myself hurt. i’m always afraid that when it comes to personal interests, opinions, whatever, that she’s going to take it away from me, make it about her somehow. and i don’t think it’s an unreasonable fear even if it is a relationship-damaging one. it seriously happens with everything. i take an interest in something openly, she gloms on. like with this fucking game i’m playing. she held off for a week or two out of politeness, because she knows i know she does this and that i don’t like it, but then she starts playing in any free time she has. it’s her new Thing and it consumes her life. she’s ALWAYS looking for shit to get into, desperate for something to distract from how shitty she feels… so of course she’d want to take cues from someone close to her whose opinion she trusts/values. it’s not about me; my feelings are just collateral damage in her never-ending quest to Not Feel Like Shit. And I don’t know what to do about it directly without just hurting her feelings and making her more avoidant. like…? simply not being open about this shit around her seems like the best option on that front.
the downside being, of course, that i don’t feel open to do things around her, and we live together. this leads to a lot of youtube and netflix, and eating. it’s so fucking hard to have safe activities to do openly when this is what i think of her. and the longer this goes on…. the farther apart i’ll feel. both of us will feel. regardless of how we are pretty close in a lot of ways. Sometimes i wonder if her being in a relationship with me holds her back from figuring her own shit out. i know the last time she was on her own some stuff happened… she got into some spiritual shit, cultivated that part of her interests (which she was already heading towards before our break, i guess), but then us getting back together may have interrupted some of that. and i mean. at the time she was still smoking every day. that probably didn’t help, either.
i wish i knew how to help her be happier, instead of ending up sniping at the bad parts. it’s like, the inverse of what i should be doing to be supportive. i’m really bad at talking about things that matter, huh. it would be easier if i could find the line–if there exists a line–between hurting her feelings in a way that causes her to retreat into existing patterns, and like, not telling her what i want/how i feel about things.
i don’t know how much of this i’ve already told her and forgotten i told her, anyway.
now that i’ve lost that thread completely… productivity. i want to actually do things lately? not sure how tf that works. but like, i have goals. goals that i’m completely not working to achieve atm. i want to take some online classes through the nearby community college. in order to do that, i’ll probably have to do some placement tests. i want to build up a portfolio if i’m gonna keep doing visual art-related shit. i want to do a better damn job of not eating everything forever…. fuck. i want to use my gym membership. fucking need to call the physical therapist, but call insurance before that, but….. fuck, this post is derailed.