another entire fuckening week.
it’s been hard.
i’m not good at emotional regulation or taking care of myself. things are great when i get attention, but i handle it poorly and spiral a lot when not in the grip of excitatory novel input. it’s been a good week to reread coquette.
r slept on the couch last night and now it smells like him. it’s… enjoyable. i still don’t really know what it smells like/how to describe it, but i fucking like it. isn’t that supposed to Mean Something, when you like how someone naturally smells, wrt sexual attraction? hell if i know how real/true that is.
but during the parts of the week where i wasn’t hearing much from him, but m was… when he was specifically hitting her up to talk dirty/proposition her, i took it personally. even though i tried not to, tried to keep busy. i felt like it was my fault this was happening. i felt like i wasn’t good enough, or like i was good enough for a time but that he got bored bc, idk, any number of insecurities that reflect on me and no one else–that i’m too vanilla, that my body isn’t the right shape or size, that i don’t have as good a connection with him as m does (for various reasons that are all my fault/should be under my control/whatever, idk). there was a line i happened to read on cq. reframing “why wasn’t i good enough for him?” as “he prefers something else”. Some really fucking good reframing and she breaks it down super clearly. it’s hard to hold onto, though, and it doesn’t…. even if i can acknowledge its truth/relevance, my feelings remain. my feelings just ramp up over time until they explode or spill over.
it’s worth noting, though, that the exact nature of my feelings is kinda…. unclear to me. it’s…. sadness? craving stimulation? more sadness? it’s sometimes frantic or desperate. looking for something. hearing from r and/or m in a certain context diminishes the feeling. feeling wanted or like i’m part of something bigger than myself helps. i’ve been actually honest to god trying to lean on my job and job performance and think of things to do for myself. like, i’m really bad and inconsistent at it… but it’s always surprising to me when i do try. i wonder if this is what most people do, most of the time, instead of falling into each mistake and upset like tripping down a hole to the center of the earth. instead of always giving up or retreating.
last weekend i cleaned So Much. i’m hoping i can get myself to do something more…. progressive. creative. like making the l/c logo i want to give folks. reading wtnv kinda counts, although it’s more passive, but at least it’s something new. sewing or reading about robots or writing would also count.
as is probably obvious to anyone reading this, the bad feelings are no more. not because i did a good job of time and distance, consciously working on my thought patterns, and just accepting my feelings instead of being driven by them. only because he came over last night. i showed him pretty lights and we played oregon trail and got alfredo making supplies + alcohol, then came back and walked to the playground with some vodka in a bottle of gatorade. some folks were already hanging out on the swings, so i didn’t get to do that. but we talked about playgrounds and dreams. and checked out the tennis court.
came back home, kinda drunk. walked through a sprinkler on the way just because i could. we made alfredo + garlic bread, and made out. i was thinking for a while there that i’d overdone it with the drinking and wouldn’t be able to stay up doing things w/r. m was sort of in and out of the kitchen during this… she’s been working on her phoenix shrine and trying not to get too wrapped up in stuff w/us because it takes too much energy.
i … lol. i’m tired and zoning out, mostly. thinking about yesterday and god only knows what else. eating so much creamy garbage uugghhhhh so good
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moment of clarity on my feelings, one that’s happened before and will happen again: i’m using his attention (and hers) as a substitute for self-worth, and once the shine wears off, i won’t be as interested even if they are still as great as all that. just because i was aiming for attention and value rather than a relationship. tiiiiiime to maybe read cq.