“I should be dead.”
Work today sucked. It sucked yesterday, too, and the day before. I wasn’t expecting L’s departure to have quite this much effect. Maybe it isn’t–maybe I’d still have quietly gotten here, but I think having a friend around at work would have been a good buffer for this bullshit.
I want to die. I… feel very alone and like I have no future. I don’t… I’m not sure why people at the office behave the way they do, but the impressions and vibes I get are not friendly. They are tolerant. And in the last few days, R has also been super absent while he plays Skyrim and shit. So I’m left more or less by myself for the first time in a while and I fucking hate myself. I don’t know why nobody likes me, why asking questions to make sure I do my job right is something to take personally, why it comes to this. I feel stupid and useless and helpless and tired. For the stupid work I do, I SHOULDN’T BE CRYING AT WORK. Something is wrong. Maybe it’s me. It seems like the common denominator. It’s certainly not everyone else being gigantic assholes or anything.
I’m sure the coincident timing of R’s absence doesn’t help. I… tried to talk to him about it yesterday and his response was “I was the last person who texted, so I’ve done my due diligence.” Bitch, I don’t want either of us to be the other’s due fucking diligence. Being in a relationship is not an obligation. If you or I don’t enjoy talking to each other…. what’s the point? I’d noticed the change in tone/content and frequency way before your last word, at times that aren’t attributable to Skyrim, so what fucking gives? You probably just fucking hate me. You probably have the same problem with me that everyone else does–namely, that I suck at talking to people and am boring as shit and worthless. I wish someone would tell me what they see wrong with me. Empty inside and out. I should be dead.
in conclusion here I am on this beautiful day, sobbing hard enough to give myself a headache and isolating myself from everything. Hopefully I drink enough to be unconscious soon.