love it when a show is short enough that i can watch it end-to-end in one sit. love natasha lyonne. love watching people interact successfully. Imagine being able to talk to people that freely and effortlessly, that deeply, let alone being able to fucking WRITE IT. what the fuck?! Please show me how to be a person. Also, props on your soundtrack. That was actually fun.
nah, i know. I have to like…. put a lot of personal effort into things to absorb them and be able to spit them out in conversation. and probably have to change my perspective to be more about real connection and having knowledge to share and shit instead of “spitting them out” at the right time, i don’t know.
Dude. Last week fucking DRAGGED ON. Coworker and I were complaining about this all week. We got out early due to… sometimes slow evenings, sometimes mostly due to desperation at our circumstances. I can tell she’s kind of tired of me, that we’re not really friends even though we get along and can share shit…. it’s that same vibe of girls who are willing to walk all over me but use me while i’m there if they have nothing better to do. I remember this from other times when i had friend groups aside from family + partners. …. why? when did I fail to set boundaries or somehow nonverbally communicate that this was something ppl should do to me?
the time warp was unpleasant for both her and me, at the least, maybe for others too. there was a lot of joking about killing ourselves. #hemlocktalk? kay. then in the evenings…. there’s been drinking pretty much every night since tuesday. and i’ve been pretty straightforward with r about how shitty i’ve felt, if not all the causes. probably in part because as always, I am worrying at his libido like a… you know 😉 so by the end of the day, i feel frustrated with him as part of marinating in this all day.
he might not have known, actually, until i said something directly, that i think about death and dying as an actual (if unlikely and far-off) solution to my life. it sounds like he lost some sleep over my well-being on the night on which i just happened to mention specifically that i wanted to not exist, die, etc. it actually wasn’t my intent at all, i was just trying to be honest, not to get a reaction… i wasn’t expecting a reaction. or if a reaction, then not in that direction. is it stupid that i still feel like despite the show of affection and concern and desire on his part to do something to help me, it’s still not enough, because he won’t fuck me like i want? like, part of that night was waking up halfway at some point to find him holding me to him tightly and like… talking to me, variously. one of the things he said was “i’m sorry i’m not fucking you constantly” which i mean, obviously hyperbolic, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to be funny with it. i don’t get this whole situation, if i can believe the sentiment in that statement. what happened? less than a year ago, …. wait. that was a year and a half ago lmao. a year and a half ago you were so, so sexual and down all the time. and even still when it’s things that don’t involve me, you’re ready to go pretty damn quickly. what is this?? you don’t strike me as having some complex or setup for dysfunction. it’s so, so hard not to feel like this reflects on your interest in/attraction to me. is it even fucking possible that it’s not? even after all this, i can’t. even thinking about all this, i can’t believe that. it literally doesn’t seem possible. after all our conversations on this subject, and after that fairly convincing night/subsequent days of concern and increased attention, my brain somehow can’t fathom that you actually might…. want me. despite all the lack of penetrative sex. seriously though, the opting for manual all the time instead of oral or penetrative seems like a distancing technique. and when we do fuck, it’s so short and then you pull out once and it’s over. ughhhhhhhh it doesn’t feel like it adds up.
and HEY since i haven’t passed out by this point in the post (what a treat!) I can try to get into the other angle on this shit: M. her long-time best friend and her partner are planning to move here around the time our lease is up. housing could really switch the fuck up for a lot of people i know later this year, except it’s a lot of moving parts, and a LOT of unknowns. and…. with all this Eric shit, i don’t even know dude. i wouldn’t put it past you to be reading this, so hey u. is it projecting or some shit to think it looks like you’re not in love with him? like yeah, you often choose to spend time with people who make it easy for you to spend time with them (weed) and you’re a very empathetic person who tends to take emotional responsibility for the people around you and try to insert yourself into their shit to try to help. except that what this guy wants is your entire life? and i’m not sure you actually want to share it with him to that extent? i was just thinking about this earlier today while cleaning the kitchen… that’s the bitch of monogamy. so many people who could have meaningful connections along a spectrum (and here i’m thinking more of an emission spectrum than a single dot on a single, widthless line) but because of mono-normative shit, we have all these connections in our lives that have to be all or nothing. if they fail to be one, we have to try the other. it’s fucking bullshit. it would be much better if we all worked on communicating what worked and what didn’t and like…. letting shit be as it is if it didn’t work. that doesn’t have to be the end of your entire relationship with a person. EXCEPT THAT’S HOW IT GETS TREATED IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS A LOT OF THE TIME.
but hey, what do i know? maybe you’re really fucking happy with him and just haven’t bothered telling me any of the happy parts. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not begrudging you any of the hypothetical happy parts if so. 1) you deserve some dick, 2) i know how consuming relationships can be for both of us lmao. just… it seems like this guy throws tantrums to capture your attention, and then you don’t check your phone on weekends because of how he might react? and when he talks about taking steps toward marriage you freak the fuck out and give bullshit excuses?
are you even capable of getting yourself out of this situation? do you want to yet? it’s probably too late to get rid of the emotional side of things and keep the dick. assuming that’s what you want.
putting aside those hypothetical things that i might like to say to m. i have felt very lonely and alone this week and wished to be dead many, many times. i feel like i have no future with anyone and no capability of making a better future by myself without these questionable current relationships. seriously, r, it bothers the fuck out of me that you don’t want to. but yeah literally without these scant few relationships i have nothing, i haven’t done anything to improve myself in so long. i should go buy myself some healthcare professionals. or buy a gun. after i pay off my debts, write a will, and maybe even save up enough for funeral expenses.
ah, here’s the sleepies. that’s my cue.