because i’m reading rubyfruit jungle for the first time. i guess it’s her mom’s name, therefore ruby-fruit? I wonder if Ruby from SU was named after this book.
i wish i could fuck like that. i wish i was viscerally sapphic like that. sometimes it excites me to read, sometimes it doesn’t. i wonder if i’m faking. affection and romance are way more important to me with women, that’s where it all comes from for me. it’s not the same.
I’ve been feeling insecure and shitty this week.
- on one front, talking about moving, and moving with this specific group of people…. i wonder if they even want me or like me as a person, or if I’m just an extra set of moneybags they can use to get into this state. i’m tired of feeling like Future Roomie #2 disagrees with me every chance they get bc they think i’m innately hostile by saying anything remotely critical. like…. i’m allowed to have high standards and a different MO than you. and… i wonder, too. i wonder if I’m more hostile towards M than I realize, I wonder what she’s told them, but also… I feel defensive. I wish they knew what a fucking trial it is to live with M and be her ex-caretaker and the only one cleaning common spaces. or any space. her room is probably full of ants and silverfish, but god forbid she do anything but fucking cry about it. fuck. – and not like i know how M thinks of me these days! sometimes she’s totally down to spend time with me for like, stardew valley, or for drinking and watching a thing, or more group-oriented things, or even spending time with my parents. and when she’s around, she can be somewhat physically affectionate. Do I know what it means or adds up to? Nah. She finally let my parents know she has a boyfriend, so that’s something. I guess she and her bf are kind of serious these days, what with his roundabout proposal? Kind of surprised, feel like she could do better, not sure if she’s actually into him or not. THAT ASIDE, things b/t her and me are not great lately. she makes no effort, i guess i don’t either… i stopped trying a long time ago. i mostly get yelled at and manipulated. or complained to. life is hard for her and there’s not really a way to change that aside from changing herself in ways that aren’t always feasible atm. fuck, dude, i don’t know. i’m not trying to say she shouldn’t be complaining, is what i mean. i just mean i… don’t feel close to her if that shit is all we talk about. it could easily be a defense mechanism on her part, something to throw out there to avoid talking about bigger things. anyway i feel close to exactly none of the potential housing peeps including my own sibling and wish i could afford my own goddamn place. fuck this.
- work. on saturday i was working with my supervisor and the guy whose gf is probably both physically and emotionally abusive and there was this kind of … silence. and rift. and i felt like i should just shut down to avoid rejection. i always feel like this around the supervisor, like she’s friendly with other people but doesn’t even try to engage with me. trapped in a tiny room with them for even a shorter saturday shift makes me want to kms. what’s wrong with me, where did this go wrong, how am i giving off the wrong signals? i’m not the one who keeps fucking over the rest of our department, why are you on better social terms with him than me????
- walking down the street. i’m about the biggest i’ve ever been, and unlike last summer, i can’t even squeeze into the same shorts as when i was smaller. yeah it could be worse. but uh i’m covered with cellulite and shorts ride up differently than they did when i was smaller. during the last week we had a bit of nice weather where i wore shorts and felt like people were staring and laughing at me. And Yet today i consumed some sugary, buttery garbage in record time. i… it’s so hard living between two different spaces. i don’t know how to do it well. i don’t know how to meal plan for myself and someone as picky and food-interested as r. he really feels the need to be in control of this area of his life–or at least be titillated by it– and i can’t live up to that for more than like one night every so often.
- oh yeah that reminds me, r things. i probably already mentioned here that he and i talked seriously about sex, libido, and attraction. i’ve been feeling better and more secure on that front for a while, but lately it’s creeping back. he touches me casually and i want him, but he doesn’t actually mean it as anything more than a casual touch. earlier this week i had a dream about a guy (dream character, not anyone from rl) who was somehow connected to me such that we could both hypothetically control each others’ bodies? and I was able to relax a little bit sometimes to let him control my body and sense through it, but not to do the same to him. we were talking via some kind of text chat and i was on my laptop while r was in the same room, and guy said something about “my dick is dripping lol” or some other non sequitur fuckboy thing and r chose that moment to wonder what was on my screen and i was actually possessive about it at first? and like grabbed my laptop away so he couldn’t see? but then relented and showed him in the spirit of honesty and tried to explain. yesterday before work he fucked me for like idk two minutes, the usual. better than nothing but still depressing, still feels like he doesn’t even want to. i’m so attracted to you. sometimes i think about how face-meltingly good it would be to straddle your lap and go to town. but i see how you handle your own body. you probably don’t feel comfortable with that. what if you lose weight and still don’t fuck me? not to be dramatic or anything but i might actually kms.
coquette talks about doing things that scare you. i’m almost to that point, but also, being poor and tired prevents me from some of them. most of the ones that scare *and* interest me instead of just being like “oh i can perceive this is a risk, does that mean i should do it in order to be more of a worthwhile person?”
fuck everything. it’s good to be home for once but also fuck everything.