oh man, it’s after 6?????? shit.
life updates: r things are pretty good, work things kind of suck in a slow, low-key way, and i’m moving from an apartment into a house. v exciting. the apartment needs cleaning on a deep, microscopic level, and i just got off work and spent $60 on groceries for the week and … am here instead of doing things. i could be folding laundry, for starters, or cooking raw meats that need to be cooked soon.
last week was pretty low. was that last week? I used my scalpel on myself for the first time in probably over a year. i didn’t know how else to cope with the overwhelming feeling of no one liking me. since then i’ve been trying to spend more time at home to feel like my own person who isn’t completely dependent on other people and their spaces to like… interface with the world and form relationships. it’s…. sort of helpful, but with the impending move and my sibling’s asthma issues being exacerbated by their shitty water-damaged apartment causing them to stay over here, there’s a lot more forced interaction. it’s good, sometimes, maybe even most of the time. sometimes i feel sufficiently successful at it, and… sometimes i don’t. right now i feel like i don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how to bring a good vibe to interactions in which i participate, and that this complete absence of intention… the focus on honesty and presence rather than thinking proactively about what people might like or know or respond to ig… isn’t helping. at the moment, i’m also thinking that the amt of time i spend drunk/having a slightly more difficult morning after drinking may contribute to this thoughtlessness. not to mention this whole moving thing. it’s
uh
oh well