i’m not sure how i feel about having to reach back to 9th/10th grade…. well, ok, no. Maybe 2012 or so? … to look back and see growth from where i was before. i guess i am a slow bitch.
but like, my old friend (and ex before that) reached out to M out of the blue a few days ago. they sort of had a vibe back in 2012 or whenever it actually was, but nothing much happened, in part bc i was freaked and was like “yo m can you not do this, if this is a thing even, it’s not cool to me” and as far as i know she actually did that. he ended up dating someone else i went to high school with, and they fucked off to the north forever and fell out of contact pretty damn fast. lesbian codependency flavors, like i was telling m.
in the intervening 7ish years, those two got married, and idk i guess shit happened, and they’re now getting divorced. he hit up M less than a week ago, they made some flimsy pretexts of “stopping by on his way to plans he had w/other friends” and “helping move the mini-fridge” (no, really).
m communicates decently well up front. they were both gonna take reasonable precautions. it sounded like a medium-short visit. m and i joked about having sex w/masks on, and she brought up something blah blah “I made it CLEAR to him that NOTHING was gonna happen bc I would NEVER break your heart” like what the fuck are you on, what does that even mean bro? but anyway, as she intended, i informed her that i don’t feel that way anymore about our boundary issues (hers and mine) and that if they want to get freaky, have fun i guess. you know. within the bounds of a pandemic and immunocompromised housemates.
except they did get freaky, slash hung out for like 16 hours, and did so without the aforementioned bounds. they, in the phoenix room, with the penis, to the immunocompromised housemates. idk. nobody’s been murdered yet and b is probably totally safe, but dude. Dude. The principle of the thing. The house has talked to her multiple times about how to handle shit like this, individually and as a group, and she decides that just cause she wants to catch up w him, it has to be in a way that puts everyone else at risk?
at least it’s better than the fucking bus thing, fuck. did she ever even do that….? or did she just argue it On Principle like her parents’ daughter and then toss aside the hollow victory?
i thought things were maybe getting better with the house, but i see now that she primarily doesn’t want to admit she’s wrong and take responsibility for her own actions, and has actually just been trying to outwait housemates’ feewings. god, do you see yourself?
i think it would be best if the other housemates make a plan to replace her and me when the lease renews next march. this is how she does. takes what she needs, ricochets through relationships, discards them when ppl get in the way of what she wants. she deserves to deal with her shit alone, rather than being a drain on house resources and refusing to communicate or be community-minded. no one forced you to sign the lease, dude. is that short-sighted? it .. oh, right, bringing it back around.
what i told her was honest. i…. no longer feel trapped, overwhelmed, and threatened by the thought of her having any kind of relationship with my ex. besides, it figures, right? his best friend wanted to get with me, my best friend wants to get with him. good job on both of us for having healthier amounts of space and reduced codependency! like, damn. it’s not like this is a goal i had, but if I *had* thought about it, i wouldn’t have ever expected to feel like this, really.
in general i feel a little jelly bc i’ve been just…. so, so shit at keeping in touch with peeps from high school. partly bc of the whole m thing. and partly bc i struggle in general with making and keeping friends. l texted after my bday and i never responded. on the one hand, i am pretty sure they don’t care about talking to me or spending time with me very much. on the other hand, if i don’t try, it’s 100% on me. but i don’t always know how to try, in terms of the exact right words and tones and memories coming together to… whatever. maybe it’s stupid of me to think it’s about what i say. maybe people see me and realize no matter what i say, i’m empty and useless and boring.
i’ve been listening to old, old music from around 9th and 10th grade, since they started talking, and since m started talking to me about the talkening. it sorta brings up old feels, but….. they’re all mine, to me. it’s about me, not about being lost in someone else.
… bc i have a shiny new person to be lost in sgasdkhglkd it’s not like i’ve grown up THAT much but at least this relationship is so much fucking happier and healthier than either of those, good fucking god…
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SDSALKDFGHKSASDLK they’re moving in together after literally a week of being back in contact, i’m xDDDDDDDDD did i call it with the codependency? god damn. it is funny watching b do the same kind of thing to m that i did, once, and her still being into it somehow. they’re gonna have fun though probably. and i get to watch m’s “oh i definitely still wanna marry E” evaporate like the blatant lie we knew it was.