bluh. my stomach has Not been great this last week. I need to try to get better sleep, probably, since that helped a fair amount on vacation. that, and like… actually sticking to some kind of heartburn-friendly diet for more than one meal at a time. funny how just oatmeal by itself isn’t enough ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
re: title. i seem to have suddenly developed a crush on a new coworker. as a result, i’ve spent a fair amount of time listening to my music from 2017, which was infused with extra horniness on account of starting the relationship w r. i’ve thought about telling r a little bit, but haven’t yet.
that’s… part of why i’m writing this here. i have an extremely cute physical journal. i’m fucking proud of the color coordination i managed w the stickers. it looks great and honestly makes me want to write in it more. i’d never used a hardback ~*fancy*~ notebook before, and this is like… way more usable and nice than i was expecting. but as unreasonable as it might be, i still imagine r somehow stumbling across it in my paper journal. i think i mostly kind of sort of trust him not to snoop, but like. not quite. and it’s not like posting this on the internet is safer; he could still find this. but he’d have to go looking more for this.
well. as soon as i sat down in bed under one blanket, regardless of the caravan palace blasting from my (mostly functional–maybe more on that later) speakers, i got sleepy as fuuuuuuuuuuuck. but! up until now. before that. i just want to kiss him. my thoughts circle back to improbable scenes of how to get it to come up. i don’t even know him that well, and it feels like…. mostly physical and casual. i enjoy laughing w him. he’s got fun, relatable energy. but i worry that’s like my ex k, who was also a pale lanky martial arts-doin’ guy and who i also thought had fun energy at first and then he turned out to be emotionally immature and blah.
also, i’m not sure i trust him to keep the secret when he leaves this workplace. he has some (super understandable & valid) harsh perspectives on work and labor and bosses. and it seems like i’m kind of on the receiving end of that, or at least have been previously.
but dang, i just want to have fun. the excitement of crossing a new threshold. also he has a nice voice. also also since r got back from visiting his sister at her new place, i just feel kinda slightly less excited about being around him. it’s not a complete rejection, just, you know. a relative lack of excitement. less interest in trying to make the current dynamic work. if you don’t like how hard it is to sleep together in the same bed, fuckin say so and i will leave. or work on leaving. rentals kinda suck rn. but this attitude that it’s ok to snip at me for something i’ve done literally everything i can to accommodate…? i get 5 hrs of sleep pretty often and you don’t hear me treating you like that. nor would you stand for it.
if he and i would talk more openly about our desires, sex life etc, then i’d maybe be more excited to work on stuff. but he doesn’t really… we don’t really… there were intentions once but he didn’t follow through and neither did i, really. i feel like he is unwilling to take intimacy seriously and will get bored with the prompts etc i come up with to have a discussion, so i would hope for him to lead so he won’t tune out 5 seconds into it. i would still need to prep for it, though.
i was super sleepy when i started writing this. now less sleepy but could still probably take a good nap if i actually got under the covers and put on an asmr video. now THAT would be a good way to ensure r stumbles across it. fall asleep w screen open.
the more i think about it, the less overwhelmingly horny i feel about it. that’s good. not like i was gonna do anything remotely risky at work.
too bad i didn’t do anything this weekend.
now it’s 10:40 pm. i have my scrubs picked out. i put out overnight oats. i have an idea for lunch (rice ramen noods, two soft-boiled eggs, green onion chopped, a scoop of better than bouillon, garlic powder, ginger powder, maybe a lil cayenne, splash of soy + worcestershire? mm. that sounds good flavor-wise as well as not-paying-for-lunch-and-crossing-the-street-to-pick-it-up good.
i haven’t done any of my project ideas for this weekend… at least i picked up the rainbow unicorn skull… i was gonna add mesh inserts to the odesza crop long sleeve, and i kept having hankerings to mess around on guitar… oh, and learning dance moves. dang.
i feel really behind at life. there’s some stuff i can practice myself but a lot of things are better in a group setting, especially for being taught something rather than just all practicing together on the same level.
being out walking w housemates today felt nice and i wished i was out walking with myself so i could listen to horny kissing music and think about it. but like… somehow by myself i’m able to turn it into an insurmountable obligation. all my goals, hobbies, interests feel like that. i turn them into an impossible chore, and get worse and less interesting and more behind.
what sounds good and semi-doable rn is like… talking to r about relationship things. i could benefit from like. us being aware together and talking about things on the same level. i could use some intimacy like that. by which i mean, it would help me feel closer to r and less like i was having a bunch of feelings that have nothing to do w him and will never make a difference to him.
what would i say: could i interest you in talking about something tonight? it’s not urgent, just like… thinking about it. polyamory stuff, specifically. and sex. kind of a large vague blob of connected things that i’m interested in discussing with you.
- i’ve been wondering about what it would look like if we opened up our relationship more. right now it’s on my mind because i’m kinda attracted to someone at work, but i’ve also been wondering because there’s been at least three times this summer where you made jokes/lighthearted comments about us having a girlfriend or being somehow involved with another woman. like… is that something you’re thinking about, even a little?
- non-polyam follow-up: if you’ve been thinking about it in the way that your comments allude to, like, specifically it’s always a sexual relationship…. how does that fit in to our current low-level sex life? are you imagining being with other women because you’re not interested in me? or, rather, rephrased: how does the frequency of imagining sex w/other people compare to your interest in sex w/me? i ask this bc i want to know whether the solution here is opening up the relationship vs pursuing other people independently. like… if you have a sex drive in general and think about other people in general but you never want to share it with me and only proactively include me when it comes to group sex, not just you and me….. that seems like………… you’re not attracted to me…………… which is that thing i’ve asked you about on like a quarterly basis for most of our relationship.
- it’s pretty common when people in m/f relationships talk about opening it up, there’s… an expectation that they’re going to look for another woman together, or that they will both only see women. if polyam is the way we actually hypothetically wanted to go with this… what dynamics are we looking for??
- oop and now he’s in bed next to me, bye