successfully left this to the last minute this weekend when it was one of the first things i wanted to do. i sincerely hope i can still make something of it.
*locks door behind me, ostensibly to protect from pressure changes popping it open, but actually so r can’t walk in unannounced*
today I deep cleaned. my favorite weekend activity lmaoooooo. other people who are around and have been around were on kitchen 2 + living/dining, and I vacuumed and swept floors for them, in addition to emptying the dish rack TWICE and emptying the dishwasher after ppl left it there for literally days. pretty sure either me or r was the last ones to empty it. THEN after doing other ppl’s chores so that i could wash my own fucking dishes, I came in here, tidied up, vacuumed the floor, finished folding my laundry, and then dove into deep cleaning the closet, which has been a chest-high trash pile for at least a month now.
oh shit my therapist sent me a schema questionnaire and i need to fill it out by wednesday, need to not forget to do that.
it’s like… medium improved in here. i feel like at least my sad little corner mess is a lot better to look at now. r needs to fucking take care of his clothing chair tho. it’s getting out of hand.
this sitting position is making me worse at typing and thinking but idk where else to go
hmm ok this is slightly better/more ergonomic but also kinda far from my face. good use of speakers tho.
listening to my 2012 bad-at-polyam playlist and really getting yote back. i don’t know if i would be any better at that situation now, tbh, or y’know, one similar enough to bring out the same feelings but not exactly the same. sometimes in the mornings w r, i think i might be getting better at letting myself think about what i want and not just uh. desperately hoping for scraps. it’s nice to be at a point where the tables have turned. even if now what i want is so much more like…. bland than the extremes i would have wanted a long time ago. the usual escalator.
this weekend i’ve been having feelings of not being able to fit in with the housemates. they’re right there, having fun, interesting conversation… and i have nothing to say. it’s like “oh yeah i know about that haha” but i don’t actually have anything to say about it. and i’m low-key frustrated enough about all the cleaning and stomach issues i’m having that when a housemate comes into the kitchen, i’m not always personally interested in striking up a convo like everything is a-ok.
ugh, meal planning for gerd. yet another thing i haven’t gotten to yet this weekend. two hours left to do it all, basically. brushies and oatmeal and packing for work and lunch for tomorrow??? and trying to feel like i wrote literally anything of substance here instead of bouncing around trying to stay safe while expressing myself on the internet, god damn.
how about… friday at work. Despite everything, it left a bad taste in my mouth. I can’t help but feel I’m a pawn in a game between the two of them. I would like to be actual friends—and sometimes I even foolishly think we all are acting that way—and then i hear them speaking to each other really quietly and it’s like *oh*. Never mind. Or when I’m leaving for the weekend and I say bye and neither of them even hear me because they’re already too busy chatting w each other after spending a whole hour apart while he’s checking orders or w/e on the other side, jfc.
am i really that stupid though? like. literally nothing this week has seemed like the behavior of someone who gives a shit about me. he’s never looking for me, if that makes sense. why would someone who feels that way (or, i guess, doesn’t feel that way) go all the fuck out of their way to give me a hug out of the blue? that was such an unexpected escalation. but what i want it to mean and the rest of his behavior… don’t really mesh. so maybe it was just some surprisingly physical sympathy after a medium-intensity department meeting. i don’t know and i don’t know how to get it through to the rest of my brain to let it the fuck go. nothing else he’s done has ever been… at me. i don’t think he sees me that way.
oh AND if that wasn’t enough, his lame-ass response to my txgiv invite! “i’m not sure, i’ll have to check my schedule” says the man who was not too long ago complaining of spending most holidays in recent memory ALONE. So on the scale of preferred companionship, my house is below being forever alone??? Is that what I’m supposed to take away from that? And then when I said it was at noon, he immediately latches onto that as another reason he can’t—toooo earlyyyyyyyy… like bitch you and I get up at 4:45 and 5am respectively. what the fuck are you talking about. if you don’t want to come, just fucking say so.
so like… everything all together…. i like being in the lab when it’s dark, i like playing high-energy/fun/funny music, I like being in a group of people where i can make jokes and we make each other laugh… but I end up feeling like I’m putting more of myself into a situation than either of them. that they’re not exactly… present with me like i thought. probably fucking each other actually.
i wish i were a more likeable, worthwhile person. i really thought he was funny and smart and that we had stuff in common, even if he was kind of a dick sometimes. i thought we could be friends, but it doesn’t seem like he cares enough to be honest with me or like… see me, or be interested in me as a person.
which is like… my immediate desire is to withdraw. if you’re not going to put in effort, then i feel hurt and don’t want to put in effort either. but if i don’t put in effort… i feel like it’s so much more visible, for some reason. i struggle to find a happy medium. i don’t know what it looks like. once i’ve injected all this personality into our interactions, i don’t know how to take it out. and being chatty with coworkers is so much easier than doing my own work.
what sounds nice is like… getting there early enough tmrw morning that i can be the one on counting. ugh fuck am i opening? is the manager there?? yes, and no. so yeah getting there early will give me a chance to center myself in the space and also mentally.
i used to write so…. romantically. and i really can’t take myself seriously like that anymore. it’s kinda wild. i can’t even imbue a fuckin dictionary with significance, these days, let alone my own life. (eyyyyyyyyy gottem)
now 1 hour left. r said he’s taking care of morning oats, so that’s good.
i bought 4 each of white and black mesh sport shirts from costco. i want to make one into a wrap crop top, one with some like… patches or embroidery on it, one with parts cut out near the collar to give it a “strappy” asymmetrical look
probably time to switch gears. god we ate starting at like 7 and i still feel undigested whyyy
oh shit food and like. groceries.
i spent all this time writing about it, but i’m still excited/nervous/something to see him tomorrow. when ya gonna get that there’s nothing for you there bro :/
p.s. on a much better note, r and i were cooking and cleaning in the kitchen, and nick cave was playing. O Children came on and we both like. turned to each other at the same time to slow dance in the kitchen and make out and stuff. and turned out the lights and kept dancing. it was pretty perfect.