Blogging might not be the most helpful format for this, buuuuuuut my main goal rn is to mull over M things.
Specifically, I’m trying to imagine what exactly I want from a relationship with her. I have a desire to reach out again and reconnect–to what end? What is it I’m looking forward to?
(I know that probably reads as rhetorical, but I mean it–I’m trying to figure those questions out, not imply that those questions are so obvious that considering them is a joke/pointless)
I feel starved for the kind of easy conversation and communication we still sometimes have. As long as it’s not…. “personal” as in interpersonal, specifically between us, it’s pretty acceptable. It’s nice to feel validated in casual ways, you know? And it gives me a boost to share something that will make someone else feel like I feel, or feel excited, or interested.
I wanna show my fam some of these game changer eps.
or like…. what do I do about my history with M? I suddenly feel like R wasn’t portraying the situation as accurately as I’ve been thinking. like… like a switch was flipped and now i don’t feel injured by all the stuff that came before, I’m having trouble picking out what it was that I didn’t like….. I guess there’s a few ways to refresh my memory if necessary. I remember being really sad. Really sad and stressed out.
…. so much for figuring this out. I hardly have any words on the subject, and this draft has been sitting here for days.