what is this, three days in a row of posting? it’s easier when i can make a post right before falling asleep. it feels nice, even if the rest of my days don’t.
work is the usual blah. i’m having to make my own work to do even when my brain is screaming that i’d rather be anywhere else, getting to choose my own shit to do while there’s time and daylight. of course, we know if i had that time and daylight to myself i’d probably just sleep in and jerk it, and then take a really long shower and oops it’s already the end of a would-be work day. I’m totally doing the thing where I feel restless and shitty so I’m starting some new projects, which feels like attempts at being a Real Person, but I don’t have ANY follow-through. So dishes are piling up, there’s dirt on the floor, I’m overloading firefox with tabs about robotics as I fall into a rabbit hole I don’t know if I’ll even remember, I add “should”s to wunderlist that i intend for the same day but never get around to because I don’t “feel like it”. I can’t tell where the line is between not feeling like it bc chores suck, and not feeling like it bc i have no energy or interest in losing my evening to mere subsistence tasks. And the longer I leave hobbies and interests alone, the more particular steps feel like things I should’ve already completed, therefore making them not “real” progress if I manage to do them after a while, and falling into the “subsistence” pile.
and if i go to bed rn i’m only getting 6.5 hours, and my lower back/butt hurts from sleeping in this bed and possibly specifically from falling asleep with my laptop last night.
I want to be better at musical exploration because I remember enjoying music more than this. It seems like most things I encounter these days are easy listening, you know, enjoyable and talented and fresh but not with any sharp edges that catch me. It’s time-consuming and breeds impatience, though. (more subsistence/hobby tasks hidden in this one)
I want to know more about world history and politics because I want to be able to talk about it more in-depth and understand current events more in-depth than I currently do. Like, I keep up on the news (somehow) but am terrible at supporting my positions on the spot, instead tending to blank out and/or immediately see the other person’s perspective and quickly agree in a panic-fueled rush of trying to keep the convo going.
I… want to go to bed instead of attempting to lay out all of my motivations for myself, because sleep is currently more important than some long-term bullshit. maybe if I WAKE UP ON TIME I can think about it more and also not be late out the door! Fuck.