happy Monday! happy continuing to get less sleep than desired~ but maybe at least it’ll be deeper sleep, being by myself and all. sleeping alone a few times (and maybe writing freely about it) seems to have really helped me have more dream-like dreams of late.
.. dammit, I should’ve turned down the heat before I got into bed. dingus.
the end of last week coming into this week was low-key stressful. inwardly. Being at work all the time even when it’s slow leads to daydreaming about what I could be doing, and my lack of benefits or financial security in this position makes me want to find something better. Together, these desires turn into me bullshitting myself about how I’d ~totally~ turn my whole life around, if only I had a bit more time during the day. news flash: I’d just adapt and fill the time with more subsistence tasks that go nowhere. but I did look at a few free online classes that sound interesting/worthwhile: (1) (2) (3) (4)
the thing that’s frustrating is that I want to treat them like… objects, like items in an online shopping cart. only these items will turn into looming expectations as soon as I commit to them all at once. it’s hard to remember how even one really easy online math class was a lot of effort while working full-time, even given the two hours of hands-free commute I had each day. How am I supposed to pick just one when they’re all so entry-level? I want to feel like I’m getting somewhere, like whatever I pick is actually worthwhile and has tangible results. (or at least I think I want to feel like that?)
more than that, how can I take things one online course at a time when I’m already here, a loser with a dead-end job that I’m not qualified for and won’t have the opportunity to learn more about on the job aside from what’s necessary for production. unless i push, and even then, only maybe, and I’ll have to live with the shame evoked by doing all of this in front of the other two dudes in the same role as me. and for what? more production uselessness? it’ll take me time and experimentation to learn a complex piece of software like this, with the (lack of) background I have.
but.. someday, it’s nice to think about. someday, I’ll have insurance and make a comfortable amount of money, so I can donate to all the people I see asking for help on tumblr and the like. someday my job will be more meaningful and connected to the future, and maybe even more defined by me. someday, after taking a single weak-ass online class per quarter for eight years lmao
all that to say, when i took Friday off, I cleaned the house in the morning and then accomplished p much nothing else. I listened to the radio and at one point, they were playing an exclusive vinyl-only remix of This Must Be The Place and I literally stopped fucking myself to go listen to it when I heard it and recognized what it was. I really love that song, in a lot of its iterations.
then… god, then what? the weekend flew by. I slept in way too long on Saturday, and then we….. walked around, visited a nearby cafe that we hadn’t before, went shopping at Target, and got delicious ramen 😛 I played undertale while we ate. on sunday, I lounged around in a depressive slump trying to make myself run. after I ran, my sib came over and m and I were literally in the kitchen the entire time from when he came to when he left. I felt like a bad garbage monster on that one.
for all that it flew by, the extra day really helped this weekend feel satisfying. coming back to work today was kinda weird bc I wasn’t immediately super antsy, successfully resisting the urge to leave early, etc. Of course, having actual enjoyable conversations with my coworkers about politics and shit also helped that, as did having particular tasks to accomplish. neither of those have been guaranteed every day lately.
I wasn’t able to accomplish much today bc lazy, but it’d be good if I kept trying (not tonight, just in general). It seems like it’s right there, but it really ends up being just a feeling/observation… I have a whole wunderlist of stuff I want to/need to/should do. it’s just the tip of the iceberg, tbh, if i really have all these aspirations and goals. I’m really starting to think that I should try wellbutrin, bc honestly more energy + weight loss sounds about my speed. it would be great if something could reliably make me better at keeping doing things without getting upset/exhausted or dissociating. so much to read, so much research to organize, so many half-finished projects to think about.
maybe tomorrow. i don’t think I said everything I wanted, just touched on the basics.