Even just contemplating logging in here made me get One Week stuck in my head.
The back of my retainer is smooth. smthhhh smthhhh I scraped it sufficiently clean of its bacterial buildup to appreciate the slick feel of cast plastic on my tongue.
All the time lately…. I mean, god, don’t I feel like this all the time? But it seems more relentless these days, more completely inescapable, more like side burner instead of back burner… I just feel like there’s always so much I should be doing, and that feeling makes me behave more uselessly. Christmas presents. Job hunting for myself. Job hunting for M, entailing so many things beyond just being super picky abt job postings. Cleaning and cooking, subsistence tasks. Oh, and I took my car in for the first time since buying it… that’s a whole saga. Worth writing out for my own sake, I guess.
So… last… Monday night? Tuesday night? M and I come home from work just for a second, to grab some grocery bags and the list and go get groceries. I park and turn off the car and go inside. 5 minutes later, we come back out. I start the car with the AC on from before, shift into reverse, and start taking my foot off the brake and putting it on the gas pedal. Somewhere in that motion, the engine dies, looks like it was idling too low. I turn the AC dial to ‘off’ and restart the engine maybe 20 seconds later. This time, idling rpms look fine and don’t drop too drastically when getting in gear, but when I go to back out, something makes a horrible creaking noise. (in a duplication of this issue maybe 2 hours after, I estimated that I was hearing the creaking from the rear of the car. Can’t be sure if it was coming from the same exact spot the first time, but don’t have that data.) Turning the steering wheel and trying to start moving both cause the creaking.
great, m woke up. now i gotta deal w/ my audibility to her. or not care
There’s so much more I could be whining about. I still have a crush on scene kid guy and kinda wish I didn’t, harmless as it is. I’ve handled it so badly and literally….. don’t talk to him except niceties that he literally doesn’t respond to. I over-interpret things like him coming into the break room to grab his phone from where he leaves his bag. (because, you know, since I’m having lunch in that room at the same time even the smallest action is All About Me.) My brain, knowing nothing about this guy as an actual real person, keeps trying to interpret what little data I have as “slightly outsider alt guy” or something I could phrase better. But basically my brain is trying to knock him down to make him seem more accessible to me instead of intimidating/why-would-he-ever-want-me.
Which, I mean.
I’ve probably mentioned before how moving here has affected my working out and subsequently my weight. The weather’s gotten really cold in the last week and I don’t have the layers or the shoes to deal, I think. Since I don’t want to fall and break my butt, I haven’t been going for runs, which I was already struggling to do. I can’t afford a YMCA membership right now. All my money is going toward christmas presents and bills. So, I’m probably around the fattest I’ve ever been… which idt is saying much, but it’s still noticeable to me, physically and mentally uncomfortable and sometimes even dysphoric, and contributes to my unhappiness with my life.
Circling back around to cars, having to make that appointment/show up and deal with something beyond my control in a timely fashion in order to get my car back made me re-remember how waiting is bad and unnecessary. I’ve been putting off dentist’s and doctor’s visits for probably like two whole years now. I found more decay starting underneath the fillings my prev dentist made. Not sure if that’s my fault, or if the fillings angling out slightly like they are is a problem that I should’ve gotten checked out way earlier.
God, this is such a shitty braindump. I’m sorry. I need help in several different ways, but suck at ever asking for it.