Category: Uncategorized

sleepy and about to not be alone

great, now I probably won’t get to say much bc she’ll be looking over my shoulder and complaining about not winning at FTL. I wish my timing were better, but I wanted to put things in Wunderlist before coming here, because that was actual concrete shit.

  • ran a decent bit today in the sun, discovered a new park nearby
  • got a black shirt + pair of sweatpants to print the “RAWRR” transfers onto
  • my left eyeball is dry and I wonder if I left some cleaning chemical or makeup remover bits in it bc it hasn’t gone away
  • spent like double what I was intending to spend at fred meyer and nordstrom rack
  • met up with parents, had super awkward/meaningless time where everyone was glad to be there and no one knew how to hold a damn conversation
  • i need to trim the sibling’s hair
  • it’s been a long day and my eyes are blurring already
  • I finally blocked one of the ppl i follow who reblogs anti-aspec shit from time to time.
  • m and i have file cabinets! Not nearly enough for her, but 😛
  • brief, lovely snippets of feeling love and feeling myself respond authentically/without thinking or trying when i see her, when i smell her hair.
  • COOL NEW BAGS holy shit I got two neon awesome backpacks from Mokuyobi Threads and they were kinda expensive BUT LESS EXPENSIVE THAN THEY COULD HAVE BEEN

that’s it time’s up bye

I SURVIVED

my first biiiiiiig server update! I handled it within like an hour or two and didn’t create any more downtime than the apparent antagonism between wordpress and my host has caused in the past. (which, by the way, happened again after a month and some change, so… whatever. hopefully all the upgrade shit helps them play nicer)

suck it, neo

the holy shit continues

Knock on wood, but my hosting service must’ve rolled out some kind of awesome/relevant update, cause the site hasn’t gone down in over a month now! Congratulations to me :33333

If I want to get up and run in the morning (I do–even if it’s just a mile) I don’t have much time… I want to try to write while I have time to myself, since M’s asleep.

All moved into the new place, just unpacking and organizing now. We’ll see if any of the old deposit comes back to us (it was only $200, so chances are slim)… not sure if they’ll automatically deduct the cost of painting the apt or only do it if necessary, but the deck is kinda fucked up looking in two places (completely stripped of its stain in order to remove the resin) and the places where we put spackle to fill small nail holes are actually super visible. Oven door leans out a bit on one side, even if it still closes. The new drip pan I bought doesn’t fit perfectly in the range top. Didn’t clean the window screens at all. Hall closet doors are not in the bottom tracks. Idt either of us took pictures/video of the end result as proof… as if that would count as proof if it became necessary, I don’t know.

relationships. bpd, or whatever this is. maybe it’s something more like ptsd, even though a lot of cluster B shit makes sense to me. I vacillate closer and closer to seeing myself as a liar and interloper in the bpd community on tumblr these days. so full of shit and lying to myself and being a try-hard because I want to belong somewhere, to make sense as part of something. that seems to be defining, that i don’t really fit anywhere, not enough, not really. I thought I had it figured out for a while, here, but… I’m just not severe enough. I can’t relate enough to the personal posts that other people w/bpd make on tumblr. my emotions have been way too fucking mild and flat these days, for sure. part of me hopes that it’s just part of moving and not having space, but eh, it’s probably just part of depression or some shit.

I’ve been a dick to M a lot lately. Not very loving or appreciative. Given how she talks about not having enough phoenix shrine space, I don’t exactly feel comfortable being vulnerable with her… but I could at least try to consider my words and actions differently before throwing them at her. I’m no prize, even if she can’t see it. and yet I stonewall her, refuse to communicate, choose not to be vulnerable or intimate… feel cold, feel contempt, dislike…

Last night, I remember having this moment of recontextualizing. Remembering how it felt to open up to her, to have found someone I could share everything with. Remembering that she is that person. I felt immediately more excited and loving. Maybe there’s just shit I need to work on integrating. Maybe without constantly thinking about everything/writing it down, it’s impossible for me to remember lmao

so tired. at least my day to stay late is over, even if ughhhhhhh busy season is picking up again and I need to be there early. fuck running i guess

holy shit!

I don’t need to reboot and it’s been like a week! How could this be?!

Just wanted to commemorate this.

oh thank god

this site was probably down for a whole week without me remembering to reboot

shit’s been hectic. m and i are getting an apartment by the waterfront. i’ve done terribly at morning runs. the weather is finally rainy sometimes like normal for this side of the state in june. it sounds like m + everyone’s employer just keeps getting shittier. i cut my hair by myself again. even though we’ve been with…. uh. he probably needs a nickname, huh. how about “mr. dude guy” ok we’ve been with mr. dude guy like idk, once or twice since everything with addiction and cheating.. i haven’t really been that interested in being with her alone. i want to fuck, but not… her, not without talking about some shit that i don’t even know whether it’s constructive to talk about rn/yet/ever/honestly.

*glancing around the room while slowly typing this, happens to notice part of a condom wrapper on the ground between the desk and foot of the bed* yup. cool.

a lot of adult shit is piling up. this month is kinda going to be crunch time. paying this damn first month’s deposit (in progress), first car payment/all the necessary autopay setup (later in the month), auto insurance payment (slightly less late in the month), the usual bills. going to have to tell our ISP we’re moving at some point. double the laundry because i’ve been super slacking/no time or energy on the weekends (and thanks to the hot weather and a few threesomes, the sheets could REALLY use a wash). no time or energy ever, really… i’ve gone flat again, where i can tell i’m a shitty dull person who takes more than i give, who isn’t fun to be around, who doesn’t care and doesn’t try

i keep accidentally doing double line breaks and having to backspace

i wonder if i’ll actually have more space to myself there or if it’ll be her stuff spread out over a larger area. hah. she’s already taking it personally, you know. the possibility that i might sometimes want my own space–and have access to it–terrifies her, and she turns it into a never-ending extreme. nothing ever really changes, does it. she’s always going to find a way to make me and my feelings and decisions about her. i’m always going to be…. a meaningless useless sack of shit. i wish i’d do something about it. i wish i’d do anything, but what i’m doing is wishing. that’s me, that’s the action i amount to.

i kinda remember back when i first got my apartment in the city, early enough that i didn’t have internet yet and had to go to coffee shops to talk to m and do anything. it was a whole week of warm august nights, and what stands out now is the feeling of… riding a bunch of stressors while still doing things. it didn’t prevent me from doing the things, or i didn’t let myself get so distracted by them… i wish every job out of college were that good. comparing then to now, it seems like the obvious advice for myself is to stay engaged instead of getting ahead of what i’m doing. waiting for the next paycheck, to be done being in debt, to get a raise, to feel secure with x or z person. for things to happen to me, basically.

i’m probably feeling empty because my life is actually empty, is what i’m saying.

depressive friday thoughts

I’m pretty convinced that no one likes me or wants to be my friend after they hear me talk/say more than a few words. I get the sense of being dismissed, of only being treated politely, like I’m someone else’s problem.

Given that…. I’m still here, so what do I do next?

I wish the answer were to directly work on getting better at talking to people, but that’s one hell of an energy drain. Seems unlikely/unsustainable. Also seems like it’s not a brute force thing, exactly; I think my empathy could use some work. It’s hard to hear someone and respond meaningfully when I seriously don’t care about anyone else’s feelings, or, like, anything. Is that even true? I have no idea. I’ve been with Melissa in some serious capacity or another for years (coming up on 8 full years since first contact, next Monday) and I STILL do this. I just… have no regard for her feelings. I’m angry that it’s being suggested I consider them, even. And… it’s not like I feel that way about everyone 😛 mostly just her.

the perks of doing everything yourself from scratch

As probably no one noticed, my site was down for… Days. I don’t actually know how long! I haven’t been back on here for probably a few weeks, not even just to see how cool it is that I have a website. It could’ve been down for that entire duration.

Maybe it’s not the most secure thing to admit, but I don’t know much about self-hosting. I barely feel comfortable poking around command line, have never been responsible for a server before, haven’t ever touched MySQL or PHP before, and… probably never used even free WordPress before making this blog. So… to suddenly be getting error messages from both ends of this thing was fucking stressful and confusing as hell. I currently have the most tabs open that I’ve ever had open at once on this computer. It’s *all* for database troubleshooting.

Did I fix it? Hardly. I rebooted the server and it’s working again for the time being. It’s a fucking relief to be able to do something, since I don’t understand 90% of the things I’m trying to read, and I spent at least two hours going through and carefully attempting troubleshooting measures. (And that’s after opening more tabs to understand how to even begin to attempt those troubleshooting measures, since it seems like most people who have these types of problems already know what the fuck they’re doing with administrative privileges on a server and don’t need to actually explain how to perform those steps.)

If I were a real blogger, I’d organize my fuck ton of tabs into a coherent how-to so that other people with similar levels of ignorance would maybe not need to slog by themselves quite as much as I did… but this is more of a test post than anything.