Category: Uncategorized

I’m pretty fucking tired but still up late. long weekend but not restful in a lot of ways. I spent pretty much the entire thing (and then some) up at R’s place, and it was bookended by job application steps. Stressful. First, it turned out I hadn’t been getting gmail notifs as of the morning after submitting my resume to somewhere new. I suddenly realized on friday afternoon that my inbox had just… decided to stop refreshing. super fucking cool. so yeah, spent five hours writing responses to that damn questionnaire, then left for R’s place and his house’s “surreal pizza” themed party. met one cool person, some neutral that I failed to interact with successfully, and some laughably stereotypical dudes who wouldn’t shut up and had a bunch of really important judgments to make about sci-fi. went to bed feeling bad about myself. woke up the next day with no idea what to do with myself, ended up getting biscuits with R and roomies and walking through the farmers’ market. fell into inertia after that and watched weird 80s exploitation flicks all afternoon. spent the evening drinking and making cake and stir fry, read Real Change, talked to peeps who were also in the kitchen. Oddly, having gotten up and trying to do the invitation thing, I don’t feel bad…. what am I talking about. I think I’m falling asleep.

the important part is job stuff, that’s what I want to process. Interview was supposed to be today but she was out sick. I had some help from R’s parents, which was awesome and actually kinda reaffirming and not just nice/polite. They think that my “tell me about yourself” answer should actually be more literal, which runs counter what I’ve heard–you want to be talking about yourself as a worker, right? not some rando? they want you to connect the dots. that’s what I was trying to do with the quote, and maybe I can still do it. In the what do you do for fun question, I did totally forget about music things, as well as…. um… god, I’m tired.

(next morning)

as well as drawing. Is that really it, though? I grew up basically in this area, thought I was into music and languages in hs but realized in college that I liked helping people and wanted to do so more directly, and that I liked the challenge and structure of lab programs, found it meaningful and worthwhile to struggle with.

all the questions they asked seemed… nice. it’s possible that I found them easy only because it was them asking, rather than an interviewer. but like… why do I want this position? I think I got two bullet points off and they totally accepted my answer. It didn’t feel like it would actually be enough irl.

maybe there’s something to *not* writing down potential answers, though. because I won’t be able to refer to it later, I won’t have the same paths to recall shit. better to speak it and activate those brain paths instead.

I barely did the first thing I wanted to accomplish last night. room is cleaner, sure, but there’s so much more to do before tomorrow. i’m so fucking glad and relieved that R is helping me do this. it makes it so much easier and less stressful. two nights ago when we thought I was going to interview the next morning, he made me lunch while I was on the phone with his parents and I wasn’t expecting it, and when he showed me the garlic rosemary green beans, I started crying, so. lol.

hey hey hey let’s be slightly less late shall we

my intestines are kinda mad at me. i think i was dehydrated for a few days and now my guts are just like? ? ???? ? ?? ? ? and cleaning-eating a bunch of dark chocolate when I got home today probably didn’t help that.

life shit is superficially good. i’m having a weird time of things. back to feeling insecure about r, I guess. I feel like I’m not sufficiently thoughtful/clever/socially and culturally aware/experienced in life in general to hold his attention. he still introduces me to music, but i feel like i’ve run dry. i sometimes become aware of doing this conversational thing where i… well. i just get comfortable, and I’m extra boring when I get comfortable like that. functional conversation, shitty in-the-moment commentary on my boring-ass life. thoughtless. I had one such occurrence of awareness today and was like “i should try to make him laugh” and then if his text is to believed, did so. I should do that more often. be thoughtful and like, engage him.

and be my own person rather than framing it as being enough “for him,” à la cq. maybe it’s getting easier, sometimes? maybe it’s not linear? I’ve been spending enough time with him lately that breaking through to the “oh shit, I NEED to be doing x and y for myself” is easier and more frequent.

m is…. weird. she seems like she’s going through some changes for the better, but still struggling and crashing a lot. and it’s interesting to see how she doesn’t default share everything with me anymore–although i have this sense that belligerent-drunk-melissa would immediately rebut that, saying how she ~WANTS~ to so much. not sure who to believe. it doesn’t help that she propositioned r last week while he was here during the days and never said a word about it to me. not like i feel owed a check-in about it, only that it fits the pre-existing pattern of her going around me when possible, as though i’m an obstacle, instead of talking to me (and/or r) to ask for what she wants. just try to slide by with the lowest amount of effort, other peoples’ feelings be damned. it feels shitty because…. she can totally get away with that kind of shit and there are things i share with her by virtue of living in the same space and both of us dating r (technically) that i don’t necessarily want to share but can’t really control at this point. like, shit, i’m not actually even sure how many people she’s had sex with recently, so that’s a whole other level of sharing.

i’m not sure how to keep myself alive without attention and affection from other people. i’m not enough.

maybe tomorrow i’ll do something that isn’t netflix

mm. this is exactly the song my ears wanted rn.

R just dropped me off on his way to work. I feel decent. Today was a lot better than yesterday. Work… idk, my sense was that some of the same vibes and silence were still around me. Not sure why it didn’t matter as much today. Maybe last night purged some of that shit. God, I did not sleep well after all that alcohol. I woke up so many different times and had this, like, constant low-level awareness of sounds even when sorta asleep. today *was* better, though. I had slightly more patience with my projects and had the opportunity to actually help train the new dude instead of skulking in the corner with all the garbage.

whatever. i came on here because r told me that m propositioned him when i was at work today, and we had an actual decent talk on the ride home. i wanted to try to preserve some of it. like… he has misgivings related to her potential current mental goings-on. he doesn’t think that them fucking will change anything (on his end) of all of our current dynamic. something about realizing the value of sex + emotional intimacy as a result of our relationship. wanting to check with me first and make sure i’m okay. god, it was really refreshing to have a calm, adult conversation about it. he was very thoughtful and a touch distracted. just…. refreshing. i get the sense that there’s some omission there of what he wants/is into. sad that m didn’t + hasn’t said anything, though. and that she did this thing again. waiting until i’m not around to do something without communicating to me about it, bc words are hard

things are okay for now. i hope that them fucking doesn’t turn into a Thing,

“I should be dead.”

Work today sucked. It sucked yesterday, too, and the day before. I wasn’t expecting L’s departure to have quite this much effect. Maybe it isn’t–maybe I’d still have quietly gotten here, but I think having a friend around at work would have been a good buffer for this bullshit.

I want to die. I… feel very alone and like I have no future. I don’t… I’m not sure why people at the office behave the way they do, but the impressions and vibes I get are not friendly. They are tolerant. And in the last few days, R has also been super absent while he plays Skyrim and shit. So I’m left more or less by myself for the first time in a while and I fucking hate myself. I don’t know why nobody likes me, why asking questions to make sure I do my job right is something to take personally, why it comes to this. I feel stupid and useless and helpless and tired. For the stupid work I do, I SHOULDN’T BE CRYING AT WORK. Something is wrong. Maybe it’s me. It seems like the common denominator. It’s certainly not everyone else being gigantic assholes or anything.

I’m sure the coincident timing of R’s absence doesn’t help. I… tried to talk to him about it yesterday and his response was “I was the last person who texted, so I’ve done my due diligence.” Bitch, I don’t want either of us to be the other’s due fucking diligence. Being in a relationship is not an obligation. If you or I don’t enjoy talking to each other…. what’s the point? I’d noticed the change in tone/content and frequency way before your last word, at times that aren’t attributable to Skyrim, so what fucking gives? You probably just fucking hate me. You probably have the same problem with me that everyone else does–namely, that I suck at talking to people and am boring as shit and worthless. I wish someone would tell me what they see wrong with me. Empty inside and out. I should be dead.

in conclusion here I am on this beautiful day, sobbing hard enough to give myself a headache and isolating myself from everything. Hopefully I drink enough to be unconscious soon.

not sure where to start. it’s nice to feel better about doing things on the front end at all and not like i’m somehow creating more opportunities for vulnerability, though.

– R things, of course

– listy list shit

– bod

– a real garden variety of life shit that will vacate my mind immediately upon trying to write this

Writing in the sun is hard. Sometimes, anyway. It’s been a while since I did something like this, but it’s relatively nice out and there’s some sunbeams on the floor of the living room, and it was recommended to me to use them for warmth. Good for mood, yes, but maybe not for attention.

My re-commitment to physical therapy starting around New Year’s has been paying off. My knee isn’t in a default state of low-key pain most of the time. The trouble with that is that busy season started, and my knee flared up again. Wearing the brace helps somewhat. It’s still disheartening to feel like I have so little control over solving this shit; like, months of effort thrown off-course by a few days of doing my stupid job. I backed off a bit on the standing/walking exercises and went back to focusing on clamshells and leg lifts. The other symptom that started around the same time as increased knee pain was a super tight right back, especially in the column of muscle next to the spine… ah. Erector spinae muscles. Looking at the diagram of where that muscle group starts and ends, my pain + tightness makes perfect sense. I’m not sure how to relax those muscles other than just not engaging them harder than they’re already engaged, though. Stretching and changing my posture hasn’t helped so far. It’d be great if I remembered how to wrap my knee like the therapist showed me. I… need to do my PT for today after I write this, heh.

Work. Like I said, it’s busy season now… it feels extra shitty this year and I haven’t pinpointed why. We have an okay group of sales reps who all try to communicate shit, but orders keep getting forgotten, and a lot of time lately has been dedicated to redoing things that were either requested incorrectly or got fucked up at some point after my department. It really fucking sucks. I’m stressed out, and I keep coming in late. Small potatoes, like 5-10 minutes late, but consistently late. I feel badly, but every morning when I think about going in, I just want to put it off as much as possible. I feel like folks don’t really like me, and there’s this shitty culture of overtime that makes it feel like an expectation, like it’s normal, to spend  2-3 extra hours every day at work if you’re in certain departments (like mine). I need to do something to get in the habit of waking up for real when my first alarm goes off, instead of treating it like a luxury or excess that I can wallow in until I’m rushing and just slightly late.

Things that would help: getting to bed earlier maybe? drinking less, for sure. And honestly, sleeping alone. I’ve been sleeping in the same bed as R a lot lately, and it’s kind of a mixed bag. He prefers to sleep a lot colder than I do, so when it comes time to wake up in the morning, it’s really hard to get out of bed, both for temperature reasons and reasons of craving affection/not wanting to pass up opportunities for sex if there’s a chance.

Things with R are getting more complicated in the way that developing serious relationships do. There have been multiple times now where I got noticeably upset because of how a sexual encounter turned out. Last weekend, I had this happen and had enough trouble opening my mouth to talk about it that it took almost a full day before I could talk about it directly. And then when I did, it…. I’m afraid I didn’t do a good enough job of communicating my side of things. He has expressed having some of his own hangups about sex and intimacy having to do with his own body on top of just having a lower sex drive than I do/not “seeking it out” so often. Even so, when we spend so much time together cuddling and hanging out (and so much of how we started this relationship was rolling around making out partially clothed on various pieces of furniture, like, oh my god), being sexual with him feels like it would be a natural expression of my feelings for him and an important way to connect with him. But for all that I feel that way and try to act out of feeling that way, it seems like he feels differently and isn’t super interested in reality. Often if we wake up together and I touch him sexually, he’ll immediately have to get up for some reason (food, bathroom, etc) or make a little protest noise.

Shit, dude, it’s hard not to take it personally when it used to be all we did. I know that not taking it personally is something I want to work on, although it’s not going to be an immediate change by any means, and… what I want from him is help not taking it personally. If he teases me and then stops really abruptly, or if we’re actually Doing Something and he stops really abruptly, I just want… to not feel cast aside. Like, if you’re in the middle of feeling really good bc of what someone else is doing to you, or if your brain is starting down that track of sexytime where your thoughts get very one-track and you feel very excited, and then their attention is just suddenly… elsewhere, like completely moved on from you + what y’all were doing, there’s a couple impressions I get from that. One, that there may have been a mismatch between what I thought was going on and what they thought was going on, or between what each party wanted from the other or would feel interested in/satisfied by. Two, at a more basic level, that the person leaving thinks it’s okay to do that. Whether that’s because of the aforementioned miscommunication, because they’re not thinking about it,  or whatever else it could be.

To be left like that, I feel kind of… used and unseen, or maybe just… alone, and maybe not respected. If your attention is already somewhere else… then you’re not enjoying this like I am. Something that I thought was a shared experience maybe wasn’t. I’m in a vulnerable or open spot, and when you turn away like that, I feel rejected and unwanted. It’s not about the sex. I don’t think I did a good job of communicating that last week. It’s not about the sex, it’s the overall… intimacy and connection between us. When you play with my body without acknowledging or showing awareness of any of the feelings going on inside it, I feel lonely. My body isn’t there just to be fun and convenient for you, it’s mine. I understand that this can totally change in a kink context, but I don’t think that’s our baseline. If you’re touching me, I hope it’s because you want to be touching me, not because I happen to be around. I don’t know, I don’t feel like I’m encompassing it yet, although this is closer. To not have my feelings acknowledged, to not being on the same level about what something means.

Nor do I know where the line is. At what point is my frustration something to work out by myself rather than something to try to connect back to him/keep trying to draw him into? There’s definitely a het, monogamous component to placing all these expectations on him, or certainly can be, if I’m not thoughtful about it. I don’t want this to be that. I’m afraid that’s what I’m doing in a lot of ways.

He says, “You’re so nice,” and seems like he means it as a real compliment. I kind of… have a variety of feelings about it. I’m afraid it means I’m just being easy, compliant, undemanding, you know? That if/when I do a better job of communicating this kind of shit and asking for what I want or asking for my needs to be met, he’s going to be put off. That he doesn’t really like me for me. And fuck do I have a hard time talking about serious stuff like this. Especially directly. Especially immediately. It’s just…. really fucking hard. Even when I find some of the words, they get stuck on the tip of my tongue. And too, “nice” reminds me of my parents, whom I often describe as “polite white people”. Nice is bland. Nice is accommodating. Nice is empty. Nice is going nowhere. Nice is…. probably not real or authentic. Nice is impersonal.

I’m afraid that we spend all our time together because it’s easier than being alone, not necessarily because it’s the best thing for either of us. Being around me and M has helped derail his diet and his plans to not drink. Spending time with him leads me to put off adulting tasks like bills, calling my parents, applying for jobs, cleaning the apartment, and just generally having downtime. With him around, I feel loved and cared for, but also rushed and like I’m scraping by in a lot of ways. I think being productive around each other is something we’re both still working on and talking about, and I do still… want to spend time with him a lot of the time. I just hope it’s not a reflex or some kind of unhealthy… thing. I don’t know. Fuck. Having a good therapist would be nice right about now.

Also, I’m starting to worry I might either be pregnant, or have something wrong with my uterus. Like, the last 4 weeks of ptest have been negative, but my period is spotty and late, even after more than a week of sore tits and intermittent cramping. My period’s been weird this year anyway, but not quite on this level of weird. 😛 stupid of me to get to this point. it’s been a stupid compromise that I should’ve done something about sooner, but since I was able to get away with it, I did.

Thinking about going back on the same stupid pill I used to be on. Why do there have to be so many fucking health risks and awful side effects associated with women’s bc and yet we’re the ones expected to do this? If I could do something longer-term without fear of huge medical costs and actually harming my body in ways that require medical intervention to fix, I would take a longer-term bc option, like the implant. There should be better tools for this. like a roomba for your uterus.

I applied for a job that I feel very unqualified for in a way that won’t come out until later.

I never talked about all the listy shit that I could be doing right now instead of blogging. like… all kinds of cleaning around the apartment, of course. glow in the dark stars in my room. I would love to organize my makeup/perfume corner so it’s less of a pile and more nice to see on a bathroom counter. doing physical therapy, of course I’m putting that off by doing all kinds of internet research on bc and shopping and stuff. taking a shower. waxing my junk. clearing out unnecessary photos from my phone. purchasing music that I found on spotify and want to own. putting together my 2017 playlist. making lunch and snacks for tomorrow. folding the laundry i didn’t get around to folding. i’d like to not eat any more food tonight and only drink water/tea from here on out. pick out outfit for tomorrow. trim hair. idfk, do a face mask. if we’re getting wishful, i could try to work on the computer. or the router/repeater situation.

word count: twenty-eighteen.

i’m surprised. I didn’t think it had been this long since I was on here, but…. it’s been over a month. and the last thing i did was a draft that I forgot to publish until now.

i’ve been trying to work on the back end this weekend. it’s slow going, but i’m learning a little, so that’s cool. *waves at everyone out there on the internet who can see how vulnerable this blog is*

this morning, a long-forming thought finally coalesced for me. if i want to be a better… well, anything, but i was thinking specifically of dommy things… I should probably find relevant porn. it’s weird, i feel resistant. it’s not something i’ve spent a lot of time looking at, and what i do see is generally pretty low-quality/free shit that… partly i feel guilty consuming through these sources because it means a sex worker isn’t getting paid for the shit they did, and partly it means i’m probably not living up to my own standards for consumption in that industry. if i have standards, which i would like to. shit tho, i… don’t have a whole lot of money. i love having health insurance and no money left with which to pay copays et cetera. Buuuuut yeah, like, obviously if I learn through imitation and seeing other people do/say the things, i should not only seek out materials to imitate/take ideas from, but also somehow record what I want to absorb. trusting that i’ll remember what i read in a smutty fic one time is just fake as hell. and… i hate that i see this emptiness in myself all the damn time, or not in myself so much as between me and the people i care about. Too often I don’t know what to say, or I don’t know how best to say it.

e.g. today I told R that I loved him for maybe the third time, and he didn’t say it back, and I wanted to say that I appreciated him not saying something he wasn’t feeling. but…. I just… didn’t. So many missed opportunities, and I never know when to say it after/outside that immediate context. even though I know if it were him, he wouldn’t have any problem bringing it up.

i wonder if it’s worth worrying about him not loving me. (yet?) like, maybe all my insecurities are somewhat vindicated. on the other hand, i get what it’s like to not have feelings v much. good for him for being honest about it instead of trying to be something else. And on the OTHER other hand, I know what it’s like to kinda be honest about a lack of feelings but still go along with whatever since it’s not like you care that hard, and….. to be attached in a way that’s very much out of comfort and a desire to not be alone, and ease of spending time around one another. when we have nights like last night, where we both feel like shit and just lie around trying to watch tv, i feel like it somehow means something greater about our relationship being doomed to fail, that we got stuck in that rut at all.

i guess i’m kind of scared, but also kind of…. expecting the worst already. or maybe not the worst, but the least. i don’t know what i have to offer you if we don’t talk (okay, that’s kind of a lie) and you don’t want to fuck (also kind of a lie) and i don’t excite you or give you good things to think about and we have… such… different life goals. i don’t want kids, and i don’t want to end up in some remote freezing cold place super far away from civilization. yes, sure, adoption or fostering maybe, but……………… i think i have a very different perspective on it than he does, and much less actual desire for it as a form of personally fulfillment. Surely I’m not the only one who sees this disconnect? I wish I were better at talking about it straight-up so that maybe I wouldn’t have to dwell in it all the damn time and not accomplish anything else ever in my entire life

my stomach feels full-ish, but i Want More Food In Me

“I don’t know why you like me” = “you and I don’t always appear to have common domestic goals” and “I’m so aware of my silence and failure to stimulate conversation how I want to, and think you must either be aware or have a reaction/judgment formed as a result of not receiving stimulation from me.” I’m…. not looking for comfort, I want to know you and have… realistic expectations for how we do or might fit together. So, in that context, I have all these clues and facts that can paint part of a picture, but without being totally sure what’s important to you or how you relate to your stated feelings, it could all mean… a lot less.

this weekend was nice, and kind of productive, but I wasn’t sure how it fit together for him and me. was it actually fulfilling for him? i didn’t go to the party on saturday night specifically bc i didn’t want to not see him for the rest of the weekend. i kind of missed the socialization, but… fuck. ugh. i’m always codependent like that. xP

---

the next morning. I hung out w/ m and e and ate indian food until I crashed around 11:30. I’m very sore from fucking/walking/swinging yesterday. R was…. texting a lot after 9 about how lonely he felt and how he wanted to come over and be in my bed/whatever, but never actually said “I miss you” or anything to make it sound like it was about me and what I do for him as a person, just… my presence helping make him less lonely. Also, jesus fucking christ, while I’m thinking of it–one of the things we talked about yesterday after CF was… well, *we* didn’t really talk about it, but at one point he was like, “sorry for [going after] your girlfriend” and “I was like a dog chasing a car, I wouldn’t really have known what to do with it once I got it” and I’m like…. isn’t that how crushes work? At least you pursued her, unlike me? I don’t feel like you’re excited about/interested in me the way you are/were her? I tried to ask him why he was apologizing for that, and why now… it honestly didn’t seem like it made much sense, at the time. it didn’t seem like the kind of thing he would apologize for, out of the blue. like it might have been intended as more of a conversation-starter or a way for him to try to talk about his feelings on the subject while also trying to give the appearance of considering my feelings. 😛 heh, you can see just how trusting i feel on this subject.

this is such a shitty dumb situation to be in. guessing at a dude’s feelings because i don’t know how to talk to him about it, and because i’m not sure if he has the eq to be aware if it is what i think it is, and/or if he would tell me if i talked to him about it. being in a relationship where i don’t trust that partner to have real feelings for me.

i remember when we were at the cabin w/his roommates and i got overwhelmed and broke down, i mentioned that I didn’t feel wanted, just like that, and his first response was incredulity. “Really?!” and then I had to clarify that I was talking about sex. Does that mean something, anything, enough?

I don’t know. I have to go.

it’s probably going to be weird writing this here. esp with my back to the area where folks can walk by. current priorities: staying warm, not privacy of my shitty writing.

had… a talk w/r this morning? it went much more smoothly and without fanfare than i might have expected, and i didn’t ask quite the questions i was thinking i would. instead of “do you like the way we fuck?” it was something like “do I ever make you feel put-upon or expected to have sex?” and it was…. really nice bc his answer actually included context and answered more than just the straight question in a way that answered the questions i didn’t ask. like, i feel more capable of not taking it personally when we don’t end up fucking, at least for the immediate future. and for my part of things, it probably means something like…. be more forward if you want it. and communicate your shit. which both seem very obvious, but are easier to do when i don’t think i’m going to somehow make things worse/less likely overall by asking in the first place.

what a fucking weekend.

r has been here since thursday, more or less. When he asked about hanging out that day, I felt sad at the time bc he hadn’t been texting me hardly at all and I felt very unwanted and like things weren’t working. More specifically, he went from texting very frequently  about sex at the end of a week-long denial thing  leading up to me domming him, to being very hard to hold a conversation with. Anyway, I was also coming down with a cold that day, so I tried to beg out by using that as an excuse–especially since he didn’t even ask to come over to see me, he asked to come hang out at our place to play video games instead!–but he took it as a “need soup?” kind of thing where he could make it easier for us to hang out. and i didn’t fight him on it. (that soup was fucking delicious and hearty, btw. I’m eating some of the leftovers from that right now.)

he stayed over that night (stayed on the couch bc of my coughing, said “goodnight love” when I was going to bed) and came back the following night, Friday night, purportedly to “swing by” and get his earbuds. when I arrived, it became clear it was slightly more than one swing, since he was playing his new video game. I spent maybe 30-45 minutes agonizing over how best to corral everyone for the night, and messaging M about it. Then she got it in her head (apparently based on a misinterpretation of something I said, a misinterpretation that I should probably correct) that I was unhappy and uncomfortable with some kind of overarching, general dynamic between her, me, and R. All I meant was that everyone else seemed very “whatever” that night, and I didn’t want to try and fail to be the glue trying to make everyone enjoy an activity that I picked for the night if no one else was going to care or try or want to be there. ANYWAY. M interpreted it as she did, and as a result, decided Friday was the night to have her talk with R to let him know she wasn’t interested in him romantically. Or.. however she phrased it. Couldn’t do romo with him right now.

She told him to stay put, and I proceeded to have a very awkward/guilty/unhappy time as I bundled up to leave the apartment and let them talk alone, fielding questions from him like “is M all right?” and other related shit I don’t remember. At the end, I basically told him I had an idea of what she wanted to talk about, but didn’t want to get up in their business, and tried to apologize for being bad at knowing how to talk about this. Like, shit, is there any way to have this dynamic, where I have more knowledge of partner A than does partner B, about things that partner B wants to know/are going to directly affect partner B very soon? It was really difficult to talk about without either feeling like I was lying to him, or like I was very obviously skirting giving him bad/unpleasant news. And the obviousness is… it feels like it almost defeats the purpose of trying to set the boundary, doesn’t it? Like because I’m refusing to tell him, that probably means it’s bad news, so I’m still actually telling him SOMETHING and then he gets to just sit and marinate in the unknown bad thing, knowing I could have told him more. uguhhghhhh. Buuuut he actually handled it well? Seemed appreciative of me communicating as I did, and not more apprehensive as a result.

I left to go look at holiday lights and drink in the city in the dark. I had barely made it to my intended destination before he texted saying he “rediscovered booze” and wasn’t going to be able to make it home tonight like he’d planned. Not surprising in and of itself. Heh, oh, and before that… I was using Spotify to listen to music on my phone, but about 4 stops away from my transfer, the music suddenly stopped, and the app started telling me what was playing on the dining room speaker. “This Magic Moment” – Lou Reed. Looked up the lyrics because despite my boundary-ing earlier, I’m a nosy, insecure bitch. Felt… hurt. Started thinking the usual shit about how he likes her way more than me, how I don’t really know him and he doesn’t share much with me/I don’t bring out his desire to share things like this, etc. Tried to make myself look away, sort of succeeded but then Spotify started giving me fucking notifs for the Hamilton mixtape. Fucking shit. I didn’t really know what to make of that, aside from that they probably weren’t talking as much and he was still hanging around/hadn’t left in sadness/upset of some sort.

After he started texting, I started drinking. I walked somewhere quiet in the bowels of the park where no one else could see me and I had a shit view of the city, and pulled out my flask. Tried over and over to imagine how things were going to go from here on out, what I should say or expect, how to try not to be a dick or sad/desperate about it. Then… he texted to say they were getting along and would be happy to have me come back. First, I cried from relief and pent-up anxiety. Then, I drank a bunch more and walked around my old neighborhood, thinking about my feelings and about them. It was cold and beautiful out. I walked all the way to the cemetery and sneaked in to drink, only to get scared off by a group of raccoons. lol. by then it was like 11 pm anyway, so I opted to head back home. when I got in, they were cuddling! on the couch. and watching bojack, and there was pizza. i joined them, feeling kinda unsure and alone. ate 3 slices of pizza. was very drunk and tired. r left at some point to go sleep in my room. m and i stayed out until maybe 1:40, then she tucked me in and left for her room too. i was asleep out on the couch until like 4:30, when R came out to trade me places. slowly. 😛 apparently he was awake and cuddling me until i left for my room–i have no idea how long that was, and it’s so weird that he was awake while i was asleep. usually he’s better at sleeping than i am. dammit, i wanted to come in and cuddle you. i think. i was just scared and tired and trying not to be a selfish dick about anything at the time, to just pay attention.

woke up around 8 the next morning, totally unable to go back to sleep. laid there trying to think about things, but didn’t get v far before r also woke up and came in to cuddle/sleep more/say hey. at least he came in. i was on point that morning. funny and felt like i had things to say. he asked… heh. he asked at one point if there was anything i needed from him and i gave my stupid general answer, something like “if you like me and like spending time with me, that’s what’s important.” i… want to talk to him about things more specifically than that, but I guess I’m waiting for myself to figure out the parts that should actually be on him and not me. Some of it is just me being insecure, and that’s not necessarily on him? What tools can I give him to communicate his end of things better with me, if he so chooses? What’s helpful/necessary to communicate with him about this, and what’s too much?

I feel insecure a lot of the time, and it’s not that I want him to spend more time on me irl or through texting, necessarily–after a weekend together I’m usually super ready to do something else, ASIDE FROM this super fucking inconvenient sadness that overwhelms me and spills out multiple times in a day during his absence and brings me back to thinking about him. like I’m doing now. What reassurance could he possibly offer? How is it his fault that I’m always expecting now to be the beginning of the end? What words, what behavior could plug that hole?

heh, well. today it didn’t help that  last night he was like “weh let’s do this tomorrow morning instead” when i wanted to fuck, and then this morning he paid a little bit of lip service to us fucking but i wasn’t ready bc I was still eating breakfast/dealing with my cold, then when he realized how late it was, wanted to get up and leave immediately. Except for he didn’t leave for another two hours, just hanging out reading on his phone around Eric and M. This is probably totally that thing in couples where if you have unlimited access to one thing, you get bored of it. sorry i’m boring you. sorry i’m super fucking attracted to you all the time and turned on around you at the drop of a hat. sorry i can’t live up to all the porn you consume. i want to learn how to be a better dom, want to be sharper and better at dirty talk, better at making up scenes and pushing your buttons, but…. if you’re not into me, working hard to be a better lover isn’t gonna do shit. if you’re tired of sex with me, your appetite for novelty is going to outpace my ability to learn and implement new things, at least for a while. i can see getting to a point where novelty itself comes easier to me, spontaneity is smoother, etc. but hell, this is so…. adhd brain of him. he’s seeking stimulation. i’m veering into conjecture and blame. i still feel hurt and sad and alone. he hasn’t said shit since leaving today, and i don’t know if it’s because he went home and took a nap, or if he’s playing Running With Rifles some more, or if he’s visiting his grandmother, or if he’s doing drugs, but….. when he’s not around, he doesn’t think about me much. adhd brain. seeking stimulation. onto the next thing.

it would be easier to deal with that if i felt like he wanted me when he *was* around. i don’t know if he gets as much out of being around me as I get out of being around him, and it makes it harder that he says things that sound so Big and then it turns out he was just feeling something in the moment and spoke his mind and it doesn’t actually apply later.

still didn’t actually finish recounting the weekend.

woke up saturday. hung out w/him in bed until like 10 or 11. got up, had breakfast soup and m even came out to say hey and eat soup with us. he started gaming after food…. i was…. not sure what to do. ended up cleaning my room and making a blanket fort, then washing my face and doing skincare and makeup until like 5. people started arriving around 6. i started drinking. monster factory until k showed up super late, then we all went to fred meyer. r stayed sober to drive. the trip took way longer than expected bc m had a bunch of trouble with her cards and ended up not being able to buy everything she expected. by the time we came back, it was 10 or 11. made burgers, ate them, r immediately went to bed, i didn’t really care to hang out but stayed until k left. we were playing rock band. not like… a terrible night, but god, i wasn’t feeling it. my whole life feels like meaningless bullshit right now. i’m not doing anything worthwhile, or not enough worthwhile things, so the things i want to enjoy are hollowed out, filled with unrelated “should”s.

my entire life by myself feels like a bunch of unmet expectations rn, honestly. if i could cut my hair, shower, wrap presents, and do one interesting/unique/non-subsistence thing on top of all that…. i might be satisfied for the night. it’s only 7, it’s not unfeasible.

now it’s 7:20.

P.S. 1) originally posted dec. 17, 2017, at 7:17 PM. 2) just wanted to add that after taking a nap this afternoon (to avoid my deep sadness), I kinda get one way how sleep and adhd might go well together. it definitely sets off some feel-good chemicals of some sort or another.

Several things are weird about me doing this right now: a different machine, not about to fall asleep at some ungodly hour, trying to vomit my feelings out. Things are… okay, for the moment. Pretty survivable.

Shit’s still going on with R. I’m… in love with him. He has said that he doesn’t think he’s ever been in love in his entire life/isn’t sure what love is, and that I’m very important to him. and when I asked him if he still wanted to spend time with me, in response to something he said about that, not an actual acute insecurity but he was concerned about how something or other in this conversation would affect me, or something? and so i asked him that as a lead-in, like, this is what’s important to me. Yesterday was a lot of real conversations, actually, all things considered. We also managed to fit in a  decent slice each of drinking, cooking, and fucking.

Even after all that, I feel insecure. All the things he’s said he feels about me could be platonic-ish or him fooling himself. I’m getting to the point where I don’t think he’d be actively dishonest about things with me, so that’s something, but…I have a hard time with it when we text less than we used to, and less enthusiastically like half the time, and sex is starting to be less novel. I’m afraid he will be tired of me soon, or like, the parts of me that are big and essential, like wanting frequent attention and physical affection. I think he does enjoy having me around for weekend “adventures”.

it’s been occurring to me that my main issue is… not thinking enough. it bridges a lot of different aspects of myself that I don’t like or want to improve. compassion and less shittiness toward m? maybe take a hot minute and think about where she’s coming from and how she feels. as opposed to, you know, popping off at her immediately and divisively like i did last week. seeing r think about and talk about things helped me realize how shitty a job I was doing in that regard. he actually gave himself time to think about the thing and come to conclusions based on logic, not emotion. AND IT TOOK TIME AND THAT WAS OKAY. God. I have a really hard time not just…. running wild with the first draft of anything that I think. I’m good enough to skate by with that in a lot of situations, but this is a skill I should have been developing. “this skill.” fucking THINKING.

hell, maybe if I worked on general/various iterations of this, it would bleed over into making resumes and cover letters less time-consuming. what a bunch of hypotheticals, huh xP god that would be nice, though.

taking the time is necessary for memory and developing opinions on things, too. it had already occurred to me that my memories of things that happened in junior high and high school were reinforced by (1) writing them in my xanga, and (2) rereading those posts occasionally.

it also occurs to me that it’s kinda really difficult to have the necessary time to think about ALL the things when I’m so wrapped up in this relationship. it consumes so much of my time, and it’s so worth it, but then there’s nothing else unless I make there be something else.

but then… what if it just kinda always sucks and is time-consuming? like. I’ve always struggled with quick responses to texts when I’m not suuuuper familiar + comfortable with the other person, and when I’m not struggling, it’s because I feel more comfortable not bothering to increase/filter the quality of the text. 🙁 I want to believe that it’s a muscle that I can realistically improve.

and see, right now rather than Thinking About Things, I’m talking about thinking about things. or thinking about thinking about things. metacognition.

so, what do I want to think about? “everything and nothing” comes the reply. good lord, I suck at this.

I’ve had that tab open in my phone abt compassion meditation to try to feel closer to M at least half a year now. that’s a form of the Thing. she’s been exhausted and dealing with a lot lately. despite all of it, she still puts on a good face for me and wants to be sweet and providing. and thoughtful. but it’s hard on her, and it shows. and despite how she feels (or doesn’t) about r, she still tries to show up and be nice and participate. i don’t know if i could manage to be that nice if i felt that hesitant, but heh, having your girlfriend be super into the person you kinda want to set a new boundary with probably doesn’t make that easy. revision: when the person you want romantic space from is dating your girlfriend, who is super into the person, it’s an extra level of difficulty. at least, for someone as thoughtful and guilt-prone as m.

(unrelated: whatever that advice was about building outfits/a closet was totally on point. i kinda accidentally already a color palette in a few items, and now that I’m paying attention to it…. it kinda really does make it easier to make outfits from a limited color selection.)

I also wonder how much of this is related to depersonalization. I know it’s at least part, I keep thinking of the “letting go” that happened maybe 6 months after.. some of my thought patterns, my judgments and self-awareness, I just let it drop.

coworker with a new baby. I never said welcome back or congrats.

looks like I’m gonna be super tired and conk out after all.

i don’t have much time. i’m very tired and have to wake up early tomorrow. still, this feels like… where i want to be.

r + i have exchanged “I love you”s. It was an entire week and a half of no upsetting/depressing insecurity from the first time to the next time i felt that. (today :P)

trying to be a decent sibling. trying to make myself do the things. trying to not arrive so damn late every single day.

last weekend was an interesting polycule moment. poor communication and no respect for boundaries, oh my.

tomorrow, i’m going to have to do a bunch of food stuff in the morning. xP

i hope that the new dropoff schedule will give me a short window in which to read/write. that would honestly be really nice.

too tired, apparently kinda high. gotta sleep.