dreams.
some about d/s and me and m with other folks. suddenly she was like, a lot farther into something d/s with r. but i was seeing her do things withā¦ eric? and eric was talking to me about like, normal stuff at the same time, or some kind of small talk flavor even if it had to do with m lying facedown on the bed in front of us. at one point i told her to āreleaseā in kardasi (without actually knowing the word, more just remembering the phrase āāreleaseā in kardasiā from one of prevailingās fics. she did it, although it was unlike any orgasm iād ever seen her experience. veryā¦ flail-y, for her. she was in this strange almost stony enclosed bed area, just a scoop out of the wall, nowhere else to go but back out towards us. very low but arched ceiling above her.
there was a dream where i was doing tomb raider shit, but it was all just shitty salvage. where i was, there were three paths stacked on top of each other. i went a little ways into each one, then went back and climbed to the next one. found a little salvage, went back, climbed up to the next one. honestly kinda reminiscent of trials. the beginning of each path was half an arch, like part of a bridge. no idea how these things were suspended in midair, how each one was green and dirt and seemed like real earth just like the layers under it. i canāt remember where i jumped from, what came before, but all i know is there was a gap between that and these stacked paths. words.
last dream, weirdest dream. an unfamiliar house somewhere. folks were going to be staying in it and we were supposed to make them comfortable, i guess, share it with them or prepare it for them or something. āweā was maybe me and m, maybe some other folks? lu was there at some point but iām not sure to what purpose. iā¦ um. it seemed to have something to do with sex toys or something that he was working on with blake, mario, and ben???? that he would test prototypes or something? what the fuck.
the people were thereā¦ it was a family or a group of folks that knew each other. one woman was using a wheelchair. we tried to give them a tour, get them settled, but either something was missing or they had someplace else to be, because they left shortly thereafter. i remember tall bathroom cabinets. two separate packs of colgate toothbrushes with yellow and orange grips. a weird red plastic tool with just a big olā plastic q-tip on one end and a weirdly large toothbrush on the other. right after they left the house, i was looking over the beds for some reason and started noticing a bunch of small black squiggly things. some kind of worm or larvae. a few mature ones with a gentle spiral to their long, thin bodies, but most just teeny tiny little specks of black, like a soft flea. i knew i had to try to get rid of them, not sure where they came from, but i didnāt know where much was in the new house. all i could think was maybe there was kleenex somewhere. i found them on two separate beds in two separate rooms, and never found anything to clean them up with.
then we were outside in the middle of the night, they were i guess going to drive somewhere else but we had to help them get the lady in the wheelchair up unto the truck by using a steep hill? two of the women were already in the truck, the teenage broody boy-type was skulking around in the dark not going to get in until he had to, and m, probably some other folks, and i were trying to find where we could push the wheelchair to that would be load-able. there was like, this perfect spot where the wheelchair fit and was above the open ground in front of it by like 6 feet, but the truck couldnāt get there, only on the road that was on the other side of some trees from that open spot. i donāt know what even happened then.
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undreams.
i should write about shit, even though i feel supremely unmotivated. but the sooner i finish this, the sooner i’ll feel like getting up to make breakfast and then deposit my paycheck and then everything will be slightly easier.
it’s weird to have positive things to write about. i’ve been variously pretty happy, or at least energetic and interested, for the past few weeks.
i’m in physical therapy now. although i’m only going to get 6 appointments in, at this rate. š unless i schedule more since i have more time than i thought. but it’s good, to know mechanistically what’s wrong with me and what the standard procedure for correcting it is. even if i suck at making myself do the exercises regularly…. it’s hard when i frequently don’t have time to myself after work. honestly it’s so weird having time to myself, it takes a while to sink in and then i just ??????? ??? ???? eat probably
no, but the main thing is. m and i are doing things with r now. like. one monday he came over when m had a counselor appointment and he and i went out walking and got a bit to drink. he apologized for falling off the face of the earth after his breakup, which was very sweet and unnecessary, but like…. thoughtful of him. after m’s appointment was done and we’d waited forever to get the tab from the restaurant, we came back, drank some more with m, played some goat simulator on the new build (!!!!!!!!) and…. idk, started touching each other somewhere in there. mm. that slow transition from tension and the distraction of video games/whatever to… actually trying things, and unsubtlety.
(to be fair, there was a decent amount of innuendo and disclosure and wordplay before that day. there was buildup.)
being with both of them is a lot of fun. he’s a lot of fun. m is so great at, idk, seeing the bright side of poly interactions instead of getting jealous or feeling left out? which is something i struggle with, heh. ugh.
i’m trying to look back at texts from after that day to figure out how i was feeling and what i was doing, but it seems like everything stayed pretty lighthearted and conversational the first time. everyone’s pants mostly stayed on anyway. we called m “shelf” a bunch, although that hasn’t stuck since. looks like continued wordplay, puns, sharing inconsequential shit….. which we really haven’t been doing much lately. not sure what to make of that. i know i’ve been doing a bad job of contributing. putting too much of the burden on r to initiate, maybe. got Too Serious or some shit. I should, like, think of things to share today. that kind of conversational shit is so thrilling when it happens.
oh. …. oh. yeah so there was that first time, then a second time when things got heavier/more intense and we all ended up on m’s bed mostly naked for like hours, then m was reasonable and had to go to bed, and r and i stayed up talking and making out until like 3. and then i was out sick until noon the next day and got to play Adventures In Makeup. thank god those marks didn’t happen this week, with all the extra shitty weather. but yeah that was a fucking hot night and then we were all very afterglow-y for the next few days in the text thread. and i was like. Switched On. i could not stop thinking about sex and the two of them and i’m sure my mood lately since all this happened has been noticeably improved at work. then, an old coworker of theirs who i’ve also hung out with a bit invited all of us to his birthday party on friday. r offered to give us a ride. we, of course, accepted. he wasn’t drinking but we were. poor m definitely threw up. š but there was a dare-jenga game there and we ended up playing that together and drinking. and then driving m home instead of going to a party at r’s place for one of his roommates. m and i cuddled in her bed while she drank gatorade and tried to metabolize, and i… ended up texting r and enjoying the hell out of that. heh.
the next day. i woke up with the intention to Do Things, in this case getting m’s bed out of her room…. made plans to borrow a truck…. got the bed dismantled, with some frustration… got it to the dump. was scared and frustrated and chose a bad time to tell m how i felt about being responsible for all of this shit that was HER shit. i was honest and angry and she was stressed out and scared. too much of this shit again, don’t want to deal with it, can’t deal with it. she was crying in the car trying to turn her face away from me, not like i can see shit in my peripheral vision when driving, not like turning away isn’t the most obvious thing. how the fuck am i supposed to ever talk about these things…? how will she ever fucking get what i’m talking about? vacuuming is not going to fix it. sometimes it feels like not much short of her being a different person will fix this. i need her to be able to take care of her own shit and not feel her need and helplessness and fear licking and pawing at me, even if she chooses not to direct it at me out loud. a responsible adult-ish type? do you think that might happen someday? or enough space that i stop perceiving those feelings you’re broadcasting? or enough strength on my part that i can choose to ignore them, not engage, not even in my mind?
(the attention and excitement from r makes it easier not to engage her on this level, for it to be fun and lighthearted. it took me a minute to realize that was okay, but like… it makes sense.)
after that afternoon, because she couldn’t handle what i said (even though i understand why she couldn’t handle it, and it makes sense and is valid and all), it felt like something snapped in me. that if she can’t handle me telling her how this shit makes me feel, can’t handle me saying i can’t do this for her, can’t take responsibility for her shit… if she manages to turn something i’m communicating about MY NEEDS into something about HER FEELINGS in this big-ass way…. i can’t gloss over that, can’t bridge that gap. there has to be something else, but when we’re roommates and she feels so strongly about it that she literally can’t interact with me at all after i talk about it…. what else is there?Ā so yeah that’s at least part of why i felt like my feelings for her and our relationship were so god damn broken after that afternoon.
i felt fucking awful. depressed as hell, guilty, just a general piece of shit, and one that felt too fucking familiar. i already went through all of this with k. i shouldn’t have to do it again. but i am. kind of. i don’t feel as bad as i did, and i was able to think through it and give myself some concrete ways to PUT IN THE FUCKING WORK to change things between us. like, compassion meditation was one? self-care and doing my own shit were also in there somewhere. idr the rest. i’ve done even worse keeping up with that shit than the physical therapy exercises. š
it’s okay to have this boundary. it’s okay that i can’t handle engaging with her on this level. it doesn’t mean we can’t or won’t figure things out, or that our relationship isn’t real or is falling apart. i’m still scared, but i’m not a bad person or a liar for still trying to be here.
things were better after i thought about it a bit. some time and space and eventual showing her that i still cared and wanted to speak words at her in a non-terrible way. i just. yeah.
some drinking + r later, things were good. it’s nice and weird to have non-work things put me in a good mood at work throughout the day and week.
and work HAS been decent. been on decent terms even with… lol, other R. been going with lu on a lot of his afternoon walks. i feel awkward and inadequate some of the time, but he seems to like talking to me well enough. our shared interest/internet knowledge/meme language whatever-ness seems to be enough to foster trust, even when i’m not perfect.
and on friday, he and i went with our weeders to get lunch at a vietnamese place. great food and fucking hilarious conversation. i was probably the least good contributor to that whole thing, and i was glad they tolerated me. and even made plans to take me out drinking for my birthday as well as one of the weeder’s! so fucking cute. so nice. it gives me hope. it’s so weird to have people want to be around me.
i’m failing to describe the humor or excellence of any of this because it’s already been two and a half hours of writing this, on and off, and i need to go do things. but god. so much cool shit, so many cool people. too bad i still feel confused and empty when i get to have time to myself š