Category: Uncategorized

lately when something has gone well but isn’t necessarily…. remarkable?… i’ve been hearing homestar’s voice say “cool.” and then that particular intake of breath through the mouth that makes it awkward and immediately less cool (whatever “it” was). I think it’s from the “four drinks for four cool guys” short. could be wrong, though. anyway this is kind of irritating bc I have a hard time reproducing the exact “cool.” i hear in my head either (a) accurately or (b) smoothly, without looking like a complete weirdo. in case that was my priority when making hsr references in 2017. (not that referencing hsr is the point! it’s just in my head so i want to put it outside my head, thus exorcising this particular echolalia.)

i feel… accomplished today. how rare. honestly tomorrow i’ll probably be over it but i actually did pretty much all the shit i could’ve expected myself to do today, production-wise.

• washed my sheets as soon as i got up, then remade bed as soon as dryer went off
• FINALLY, after three weeks of putting it off, did the necessary pretreat on my shirts so they can be laundered. I’m letting them sit overnight before washing them just so the baking soda has time to counteract three damn weeks of sitting in a stinking dirty heap. god, i fucking hate that i have to do this and i’m so bad at doing it regularly before it turns into an intimidating hour-and-a-half bullshit chore.
• i guess in list format this really isn’t that great looking
• i can’t remember what else i did of actual consequence WAIT
• ran the dishwasher
• washed *and* folded non-shirt laundry
• scrubbed the toilet (but didn’t add bleach yet)
• cleaned up my desktop computer’s desktop (no, not “deskotp”)
• got an idea of the direction i might want to head on my 2016 playlist’s album art, grabbed some resources + inspiration
• purchased and used fluoride rinse to help my cracked tooth not ache, since according to my mom that can help. today wasn’t really so bad wrt that ache, thank god. it’s been a full week of more pain than usual, since chewing gum for most of a day
• other groceries
• picked out my outfit before bedtime cram-time
• OH YEAH i sorted out all my paperwork and bills and shit and filed and recycled and set aside for shredding. THAT felt satisfying… even if that part of my desk still feels relatively unusable bc of, like, some glow-in-the-dark sticker stars in the corner. it doesn’t feel like a clean workspace, it feels like open shelf space. but i’d like to use it for notebooks and the like, since it’s not right in front of the kvm.

it’s snowing outside rn. i wonder what tmrw morning is gonna be like. there were a few power flickers over the course of the evening, but so far it’s stayed on. knock on wood. if the power actually went off, i might have to actually sleep in the same bed w m for the first time in what, over a month? I even felt vaguely interested last night.

i don’t know if this momentum is gonna still be with me tomorrow, what with potential weather/power disruptions, incipient busy season at work with one person still out, and being up as late as i am rn… but i’d like to keep doing things. there’s always stuff, of course, and it’s probably only a matter of time before i overwhelm myself with expectation and burn out. but dammit, my usual mindless stimulation options just aren’t cutting it in the past few days. i saw a site that offers free drawing tutorials and want to check that out. gotta get back on the daily cl checking train. could keep working on the 2016 playlist album art. remembered my pile of clothes + pics for tce that i need to make an imgur album for… it’s been almost a year since i started working on this and i still haven’t gone through the pics to find which ones to upload. sheesh.

also need to take out money to pay m for some of our bills. god.

i watched snk this weekend. i marathon-ed most of it on friday night until 2 in the morning (why i’m still wide awake at this time tonight) while working on my shitty phone wallpaper idea (i think it got 0 notes after working on it for a few hours that night and then the next day as well.) let me tell you something: don’t try to watch subbed anime while doing something else that requires visual attention, unless you want to fail at both. amazing insight, i know. but as for the actual show/what i saw of it…. i didn’t really… get why it’s so well-known? It’s really not that great. Kinda cool plot, but the characters all felt flat and like… their emotions and motivations were frequently not compelling. and overall the show was pretty heavy on imperialist rhetoric, i think… the titans sure make eerie villains, though. but whatever apparently everyone thinks the characters are worth making fanfic about! especially abo dear god i’ve seen too much. even as little as i’ve seen, it’s too much.

yeah actually on that subject. people… do the people writing these things realize how absurd it is that they’re this far inside this trope? that they place this belief system onto canon, worm it into the cracks so it can exist behind the scenes? and how that reflects on them, the writers, and the world they live in? the violent possessiveness of monogamy, all the twisted priorities that make mpreg more common/desirable than, idk, trans characters or adoption or surrogacy or any of a number of things… like… cis masculinity is just gonna swallow everything? ok then. but to be fair i’m very much a spectator and don’t have much context for the fandom(s) that created this and grew it to this point. i’m sure i’m missing pieces, but i’m also sure that there’s a shitload of misogyny in the mix.

wtf how did i get from 12:34 to 1 am, fuck

yesterday i also finally watched A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night and was still distracted by phone-wallpaper-making, and…. felt like i was missing something. but then it might be one of those artsier films that would’ve made me feel that way even if i paid close attention the whole time. I really enjoyed the long, emotional pauses between protag greaser dude and protag vamp lady though. those were really well done and rly… rich. and it was very satisfying to see the vengeance wrought on shitty dudes. yeeeaaaah, i’m probably missing a lot. whatever.

also worth noting abt this week: reading teen vogue led me to learn about k-beauty, or korean beauty. apparently it’s been about 3 or 4 years since it was hip soooo it’s good to know i’ve still got plenty of backlog from being a depressed useless piece of unaccomplished shit. it’s… good scaffolding to learn more about skincare/facial routines and products, though. i was kinda intimidated and confused before and now i am slightly less confused. like any kind of daily/regular use thing, it sounds expensive… but i think i could maybe figure something out for myself.

that’s a lot. and it wasn’t the worst writing ever, either, at least in parts. i know my punctuation was especially shitty. but it felt… okay. time to get insufficient sleep, be really cold/wet, and get stressed out driving in unfamiliar conditions!! ye

I guess I hadn’t dreamed in a while, judging by how much last night stands out. Or this morning. Or whatever.

The main one I wanted to write about on here was with M. It was just her and me talking alone in a room. Neutral hues. She told me I wasn’t enough for her and that she was interested in finding someone else in addition to me. There was… a screen in the room, maybe an old CRT tv, low-res, black background with brightly colored infographics of how she was feeling and in particular, one bar that was like… a slider between… two things I can’t remember. I don’t know if it was specific to her monogamy vs polyamory, or dissatisfaction->satisfaction, or disinterest->interest in me, or disinterest->interest in someone else…. somewhere between all those things, though. It was the most related infographic of all of them. (There was something v Undertale about the colors and layout of that screen.)

In response, I remember feeling….mildly jealous. A little sad. It got my mind going about what needed to happen to improve our relationship. Not sure if I remember what I said. I think I started saying some of the things I was thinking about, and I don’t remember how successful that was or wasn’t, either. 😛 At some point I realized that this was probably due to us sleeping in separate rooms all the time.

So… given that that wasn’t actually M, that it was part of my brain… what does that mean? Do I think she should find someone else? … idk, it couldn’t hurt. I don’t think she has the energy for anything more than incidental (which is what it sounded like in the dream, too). Having woken up, my primary feeling is guilt, but it’s not overwhelming. Thinking about it just makes the feeling shrink and warp until I’m not even sure if it’s guilt anymore…. a mild unease… could just be the grogginess of sleeping in for once, really.

In another dream, there was a witch, I think. But that’s all I remember. An almost ren faire-like setting.

The other dream I remember anything from… well, maybe there’s two. There was one where M and I were walking into an I-5 on-ramp, trying to find a northbound one… there were other people walking on the roads, alongside cars… then Rushi was there somehow? Or maybe not him, maybe just a chill dudely friend. Seemed interchangeable. We ended up on a bus that was more like a trolley and moved like a train. 😛 the lighting in it was so warm and yellowish. But I don’t think we were actually intending to get on it, and being on it felt somewhat purposeless, even though we were aiming to get off at a particular stop. At one point we made friends with a girl and I was trying to talk to her, but it was made difficult by these REALLY weird sunglasses that had a lot of chains hanging from them. It was like…. sunglasses + crown that went all around my head, from which chains could drape and reconnect farther along the crown. The ‘U’s of the chains hung down to my shoulders. Somehow everyone thought this was a good/acceptable #look. Anyway, it kept making it weird/awkward to talk to this girl, I think.

At another point in this same setting, I feel like we’d gotten off the bus/trolley/whatever and were wandering around a place that my brain was modeling after my old elementary school, the slope up to the back parking lot, the gate, and how overgrown + unkempt the flora was. It was me, M, and Generic Chill Friend Dude. We were… exploring a little bit. Just kicking around. Everything was so broken down. There was a bit of a sense of there maybe being people nearby? Or that someone might come upon us, and they might or might not be friendly. A sense that the area we were kicking around was maybe not the most public property after all.

At some point, we were back on the trolley/tram/whatever, heading into the city for good now. My mom was somehow on the same bus as us and we all decided to get off at the same stop to do some shopping together. There were so many nice shops, touristy ones–you know, like the stores with a bunch of glass blowing you could never afford, and ugly local handmade lawn ornaments. I don’t remember actually going into any of them, only arriving and still being dissatisfied, like this wasn’t where I was supposed to end up/intending to end up.

In what may or may not have been a related dream, I was at my parents’ house. M was there, idk if my brother was there, and there were some older people I didn’t know, presumed friends of my parents. Everyone was… this is dumb, but…. everyone was a TV dinner of some sort. Was it transmogrification? Did everyone just have this ability? Was it something happening *to* them? Did they know? Idk, but they kept talking and communicating even after. Were they actually being held in the hands of the un-transformed people I was thinking they represented? We were all standing around on the driveway and it was starting to rain REALLY hard. It wasn’t cold, but we were getting heavily pelted. I could somewhat see my mom maybe 7 feet away. I asked her… something. I started looking up at the sky. It was stormy, but no hurricane coming, even though I kept expecting something of that magnitude from how hard it was raining. I could see the cloud we were under and the edge of it in the distance, looking towards the backyard.

Writing this, all I can think about is how my writing skills continue atrophying (yes, even if I know words) and that I should probably read a gotdam book. Or twenty. And then I buy twenty books and read the one comic book I bought and never touch the rest of them bc Too Much Expectation

I need to see a doctor. For physical therapy and psych meds. I’m getting worse.

at various points, I’ve wished I’d come on here and write when I was feeling anxious about whatever tizzy Dingle Tip’s got us in atm, get my thoughts out onto a page, but I never did. Too tired, always too late at night and too tired. And then… even if I’d felt energetic enough, would it be safe?

Been vacillating between hope and hopelessness.

I wish M had gone to the thing yesterday.

I don’t think I’ll ever get a shiny.

huge surprise, I’m more nothing. I actually felt…. motivated and energized this morning? But I didn’t actually…. do anything with it. I thought a lot about the different ways I could do things with it, but I think the extent of my productivity was 1) cleaning up filesystems across my devices a little more, and 2) mocking up the boxing gloves w/ a few of the Christmas fonts I snagged last night to see if any looked good. The problem with these italic script fonts that aren’t like someone’s handwriting or same thickness throughout is, like…. they all kinda remind me of the Coca-Cola logo? Not really what I’m going for.

I guess another thing I did today was look up a few more things for a potential future build. I’m thinking of getting a Gigabyte 710X-UD5 motherboard, and got confirmation from a hackintosh thread that the gtx 1000-series graphics cards don’t have mac drivers yet at all, so we p much have to go with the 900-series. whatever, it saves like $200-300. I’m not looking forward to any potential future hackintosh setup, though… :/

I need to finish wrapping presents.  To do that, I might need either boxes,  orrrr I guess I could use gift bags.

I need to whip up a little “slayers’ club” logo for kelley’s shirt. that could take a sec…

I need to make gifsets of the christmas slime while it’s still seasonally relevant. I don’t know if I even have video editing software that can do what I want easily.

yep, falling asleep. at least it’s in my own bed, without M. Sorry, I just like it better rn.

Even just contemplating logging in here made me get One Week stuck in my head.

The back of my retainer is smooth. smthhhh smthhhh I scraped it sufficiently clean of its bacterial buildup to appreciate the slick feel of cast plastic on my tongue.

All the time lately…. I mean, god, don’t I feel like this all the time? But it seems more relentless these days, more completely inescapable, more like side burner instead of back burner… I just feel like there’s always so much I should be doing, and that feeling makes me behave more uselessly. Christmas presents. Job hunting for myself. Job hunting for M, entailing so many things beyond just being super picky abt job postings. Cleaning and cooking, subsistence tasks. Oh, and I took my car in for the first time since buying it… that’s a whole saga. Worth writing out for my own sake, I guess.

So… last… Monday night? Tuesday night? M and I come home from work just for a second, to grab some grocery bags and the list and go get groceries. I park and turn off the car and go inside. 5 minutes later, we come back out. I start the car with the AC on from before, shift into reverse, and start taking my foot off the brake and putting it on the gas pedal. Somewhere in that motion, the engine dies, looks like it was idling too low. I turn the AC dial to ‘off’ and restart the engine maybe 20 seconds later. This time, idling rpms look fine and don’t drop too drastically when getting in gear, but when I go to back out, something makes a horrible creaking noise. (in a duplication of this issue maybe 2 hours after, I estimated that I was hearing the creaking from the rear of the car. Can’t be sure if it was coming from the same exact spot the first time, but don’t have that data.) Turning the steering wheel and trying to start moving both cause the creaking.

great, m woke up. now i gotta deal w/ my audibility to her. or not care

There’s so much more I could be whining about. I still have a crush on scene kid guy and kinda wish I didn’t, harmless as it is. I’ve handled it so badly and literally….. don’t talk to him except niceties that he literally doesn’t respond to. I over-interpret things like him coming into the break room to grab his phone from where he leaves his bag. (because, you know, since I’m having lunch in that room at the same time even the smallest action is All About Me.) My brain, knowing nothing about this guy as an actual real person, keeps trying to interpret what little data I have as “slightly outsider alt guy” or something I could phrase better. But basically my brain is trying to knock him down to make him seem more accessible to me instead of intimidating/why-would-he-ever-want-me.

Which, I mean.

I’ve probably mentioned before how moving here has affected my working out and subsequently my weight. The weather’s gotten really cold in the last week and I don’t have the layers or the shoes to deal, I think. Since I don’t want to fall and break my butt, I haven’t been going for runs, which I was already struggling to do. I can’t afford a YMCA membership right now. All my money is going toward christmas presents and bills. So, I’m probably around the fattest I’ve ever been… which idt is saying much, but it’s still noticeable to me, physically and mentally uncomfortable and sometimes even dysphoric, and contributes to my unhappiness with my life.

Circling back around to cars, having to make that appointment/show up and deal with something beyond my control in a timely fashion in order to get my car back made me re-remember how waiting is bad and unnecessary. I’ve been putting off dentist’s and doctor’s visits for probably like two whole years now. I found more decay starting underneath the fillings my prev dentist made. Not sure if that’s my fault, or if the fillings angling out slightly like they are is a problem that I should’ve gotten checked out way earlier.

God, this is such a shitty braindump. I’m sorry. I need help in several different ways, but suck at ever asking for it.

i just wanted to take a second and get some shit out of my head, but instead suddenly looking at a screen makes me feel nauseous. i’ve already been feeling like i can’t take a full breath all day. is it because i haven’t been running? eating a few pieces of halloween candy? god, i don’t fucking know.

i rediscovered shitty vampire lit and now i’m always looking for excuses at work to have my phone out with something to read, keep my brain stimulated while my hands are busy. i’m probably being a shitty employee.

i spent most of last weekend recovering from what i guess was an anxiety attack, only with somatized symptoms instead of actually… feeling nervous feelings whatsoever. i mean, i guess i was a little bit background stressed, but… anyway, i was hoping that taking it easy on sunday would be enough for me to recover, but even though the week has treated me relatively kindly so far (aside from the usual thinking everyone hates me, not fitting into my pants anymore without causing my intestines to hate me, and relatively low-level stress of being in an open work area where i feel like i could be surveilled at any time, and the more recent development of donut truck politics weighing on everyone…. last friday, we were all talking about it, in the cube. i brought up the faithless voters thing, the change.org petition. and like, i’ve been signing crap on that site for years and years and years. i know how meaningless it can be. but my supervisor did that thing he does where he dismisses it and refuses to back down or hear other sides, and i ended the conversation abruptly, and we didn’t really talk the rest of the day. so… that was also kind of weighing on me, even if once again i didn’t consciously have many feelings about it.)

weight. it’s bad and i don’t want it. running around here doesn’t feel safe anymore. funny how street harassment is worse in better-off communities, from old white guys.

i want to work on my software skills for work, while at home. i opened and bookmarked a bunch of potentially interesting projects that would help me learn, but didn’t do shit with ’em. fuck me for being really bad at working on things, doing the nitty gritty hard parts, while visible to others. i absolutely work better when you can’t see behind the curtain. when i can make other people see me as just a “before” and an “after” picture, or believe that’s what i’m doing.

oh, right, the other thing. appointments. need to call parents for insurance info for one, maybe two of them. need to get shit squared.

so tired. this is so annoying. i can’t go to bed on time all the damn time, dammit

m’guts.

sleeping in my own bed again~ please please please can I wake up when my first alarm goes off please

.. everything I want to write is just me demanding more of myself. which, like, I want to do, but haven’t had a great record of success just making demands and trying to plan. tonight I let myself dick around and failed to make a single thing. it was mildly novel and even enjoyable, pleasant at times, but … i don’t know. i don’t know how i could have better spent my time, only that when i see myself in the mirror, i’m unhappy. today was another day of daydreaming about self-improvement possibilities–this time, I thought about volunteering at a food bank or some shit, spending my time around other people, just fucking showing up and doing something that loosely connects to some kind of “community” of people who live around here and give a shit. or maybe they don’t, who knows? maybe i would go to a food bank and find only a gaggle of pre-meds trying to fill a prereq, or something.

anyway i’m fat and ugly and don’t know shit and have no friends and getting out my scalpel sounds really fucking tempting tonight. if someone happened to notice blood through my clothes tomorrow, at least it would be fucking interesting. right up until some shitbag nt str8 boy called me ps*cho or whatever term they want to stand in for “i have no grasp whatsoever of the variety of mental illnesses and developmental disabilities that can have particular symptoms, and love dismissing people I know as abstracted stereotypes!”

why am i bothering attempting to talk

why am i here

i am not worth existing

P.S. yeah, i should definitely try to find a doctor and get on some fucking wellbutrin.