the void

tell me what information i’m missing, then. bc right now, my context looks a lot like this:

you became physically entangled with me and my gf around the same time. i know there was a certain amount of chat and text predating physical stuff b/t you and her, which makes a difference. m and i share things, so of course i saw a lot of these texts–threads full of innuendo and more than innuendo. i’ve seen what you’re capable of when interested, when flirting. somehow that never really got turned on me for more than a few seconds at a time. how am i supposed to feel when i tried so hard to get your attention, to point my sexuality at you and have any response in kind, and failed? how am i supposed to feel when my more risqué selfies get literally the barest acknowledgment, but if she says or texts anything with potential to double entendre, you’re ALL the fuck over it? That tells me that you think of her in a certain way that you don’t think of me. That you don’t want to think of me. How does trying and failing to get you interested in doing things for me, by doing things to excite and pleasure you, fit into you wanting me? I can’t remember the last time you said you wanted me that was outside of one of these stupid, tearful conversations. “conversations”

i can’t say i’ve ever gotten the idea that you had this “problem” before in relationships. am i wrong, or does it just happen to just be me?

am i just… bad to talk to in this way just like every other way? yeah. i should kms when i get the chance to not be a burden to my family anymore.

love it when a show is short enough that i can watch it end-to-end in one sit. love natasha lyonne. love watching people interact successfully. Imagine being able to talk to people that freely and effortlessly, that deeply, let alone being able to fucking WRITE IT. what the fuck?! Please show me how to be a person. Also, props on your soundtrack. That was actually fun.

nah, i know. I have to like…. put a lot of personal effort into things to absorb them and be able to spit them out in conversation. and probably have to change my perspective to be more about real connection and having knowledge to share and shit instead of “spitting them out” at the right time, i don’t know.

Dude. Last week fucking DRAGGED ON. Coworker and I were complaining about this all week. We got out early due to… sometimes slow evenings, sometimes mostly due to desperation at our circumstances. I can tell she’s kind of tired of me, that we’re not really friends even though we get along and can share shit…. it’s that same vibe of girls who are willing to walk all over me but use me while i’m there if they have nothing better to do. I remember this from other times when i had friend groups aside from family + partners. …. why? when did I fail to set boundaries or somehow nonverbally communicate that this was something ppl should do to me?

the time warp was unpleasant for both her and me, at the least, maybe for others too. there was a lot of joking about killing ourselves. #hemlocktalk? kay. then in the evenings…. there’s been drinking pretty much every night since tuesday. and i’ve been pretty straightforward with r about how shitty i’ve felt, if not all the causes. probably in part because as always, I am worrying at his libido like a… you know 😉 so by the end of the day, i feel frustrated with him as part of marinating in this all day.

he might not have known, actually, until i said something directly, that i think about death and dying as an actual (if unlikely and far-off) solution to my life. it sounds like he lost some sleep over my well-being on the night on which i just happened to mention specifically that i wanted to not exist, die, etc. it actually wasn’t my intent at all, i was just trying to be honest, not to get a reaction… i wasn’t expecting a reaction. or if a reaction, then not in that direction. is it stupid that i still feel like despite the show of affection and concern and desire on his part to do something to help me, it’s still not enough, because he won’t fuck me like i want? like, part of that night was waking up halfway at some point to find him holding me to him tightly and like… talking to me, variously. one of the things he said was “i’m sorry i’m not fucking you constantly” which i mean, obviously hyperbolic, but it didn’t seem like he was trying to be funny with it. i don’t get this whole situation, if i can believe the sentiment in that statement. what happened? less than a year ago, …. wait. that was a year and a half ago lmao. a year and a half ago you were so, so sexual and down all the time. and even still when it’s things that don’t involve me, you’re ready to go pretty damn quickly. what is this?? you don’t strike me as having some complex or setup for dysfunction. it’s so, so hard not to feel like this reflects on your interest in/attraction to me. is it even fucking possible that it’s not? even after all this, i can’t. even thinking about all this, i can’t believe that. it literally doesn’t seem possible. after all our conversations on this subject, and after that fairly convincing night/subsequent days of concern and increased attention, my brain somehow can’t fathom that you actually might…. want me. despite all the lack of penetrative sex. seriously though, the opting for manual all the time instead of oral or penetrative seems like a distancing technique. and when we do fuck, it’s so short and then you pull out once and it’s over. ughhhhhhhh it doesn’t feel like it adds up.

and HEY since i haven’t passed out by this point in the post (what a treat!) I can try to get into the other angle on this shit: M. her long-time best friend and her partner are planning to move here around the time our lease is up. housing could really switch the fuck up for a lot of people i know later this year, except it’s a lot of moving parts, and a LOT of unknowns. and…. with all this Eric shit, i don’t even know dude. i wouldn’t put it past you to be reading this, so hey u. is it projecting or some shit to think it looks like you’re not in love with him? like yeah, you often choose to spend time with people who make it easy for you to spend time with them (weed) and you’re a very empathetic person who tends to take emotional responsibility for the people around you and try to insert yourself into their shit to try to help. except that what this guy wants is your entire life? and i’m not sure you actually want to share it with him to that extent? i was just thinking about this earlier today while cleaning the kitchen… that’s the bitch of monogamy. so many people who could have meaningful connections along a spectrum (and here i’m thinking more of an emission spectrum than a single dot on a single, widthless line) but because of mono-normative shit, we have all these connections in our lives that have to be all or nothing. if they fail to be one, we have to try the other. it’s fucking bullshit. it would be much better if we all worked on communicating what worked and what didn’t and like…. letting shit be as it is if it didn’t work. that doesn’t have to be the end of your entire relationship with a person. EXCEPT THAT’S HOW IT GETS TREATED IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS A LOT OF THE TIME.

but hey, what do i know? maybe you’re really fucking happy with him and just haven’t bothered telling me any of the happy parts. and don’t get me wrong, i’m not begrudging you any of the hypothetical happy parts if so. 1) you deserve some dick, 2) i know how consuming relationships can be for both of us lmao. just… it seems like this guy throws tantrums to capture your attention, and then you don’t check your phone on weekends because of how he might react? and when he talks about taking steps toward marriage you freak the fuck out and give bullshit excuses?

are you even capable of getting yourself out of this situation? do you want to yet? it’s probably too late to get rid of the emotional side of things and keep the dick. assuming that’s what you want.

putting aside those hypothetical things that i might like to say to m. i have felt very lonely and alone this week and wished to be dead many, many times. i feel like i have no future with anyone and no capability of making a better future by myself without these questionable current relationships. seriously, r, it bothers the fuck out of me that you don’t want to. but yeah literally without these scant few relationships i have nothing, i haven’t done anything to improve myself in so long. i should go buy myself some healthcare professionals. or buy a gun. after i pay off my debts, write a will, and maybe even save up enough for funeral expenses.

ah, here’s the sleepies. that’s my cue.

hey iTunes, I didn’t fucking ask you to open. fuck off

ah. my successfully getting settled after eating breakfast, making coffee for the both of us, and grabbing earbuds as an afterthought has summoned an awake boyfriend. fuck that, too, i guess.

i have to figure out a way to be more constructive about feeling sexually frustrated. i can see a little bit that it’s not something to take personally… I guess… it’s complicated. it feels like it takes him effort and thoughtfulness to direct his sexuality at me. he’s happy to cuddle and give/receive certain kinds of touch, but like… anything intense, esp. anything penetrative, immediately starts the countdown timer to him leaving for whatever reason. hungry, bathroom, call parents, whatever. i think today i managed to be getting what i wanted for a solid sixty seconds before he had to leave.

extra frustrating, he signed us both up for a get-together at his relatives’ house where i’m not going to know anyone and probably won’t have that much in common with them. i didn’t fare well making small talk at the wedding and i’m not going to magically do better this time. it’s more obvious that i’m failing at small talk when i don’t have vials of blood in my hands as an excuse.

do i ever do anything with my free writing time except bitch about not getting laid or loved enough? I believe he has good intentions, but…maybe that doesn’t have much to do with it.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I don’t make people laugh. there’s a lack of curiosity and reciprocity in like… most/all of my scant relationships. and that’s probably my fault or my responsibility.

i started trying to budget in january. so far it’s been kind of tough. at first it was bc medical debt, but i took care of that by the end of january. now it’s like… i run out of money too quickly because i don’t leave a space cushion for upcoming bills, i guess? there’s a discrepancy between the number in my bank account and the number on my excel sheet and if i ignore it too well, then i’m kind of fucked. i put some towards paying off my credit card and have recently been using that credit card to tide me over to the next paycheck, because i’m a fucking worthless dumbass with no money. at least i’ve done a better job of not leaning on rideshare stuff to get to work on time. also, i’ve been late to work three times this week. this week…. hasn’t been great. you would think getting out of work earlier would make a difference, but…. because of the weather, i’ve been depending on R a *lot* to do anything or be anywhere. which is nice sometimes, i like spending time with him, but then i start getting my hopes up that he might actually be interested in sex and get silently corrected.

you know what’s even better with this failure to budget? ever since ces earlier this year, i’ve been paying attention to new laptops. this one’s ten years old. i miss being able to trust my hardware like i could back then. pretty cool that customizable backlighting is even more of a thing on laptops now, though.

i’m also really tired of this new fat on my body getting in the way of being flexible how i’m used to. bending, turning, looking, reaching, wearing clothes–it’s all subtly different. true, it doesn’t induce that same dysphoria as it did in like 2016 of wanting to rub my skin off my body and scream-cry, but like…. i guess i’m not all there with fatness. still want to do/be the impossible. depressing how much of a difference one year of my life has made.

i don’t want to go to this stupid party and waste half of my only weekend day. i want to go home where my makeup was actually finally delivered yesterday, and put all of it on my face and be sparkly and left alone to do whatever the fuck i want.

also i would like a million dollars and a pony. wehhhhhh

Hey. This week… sucks. I feel dumb compared to everyone around me. Dumb and useless. and like I’m never going to get anywhere better. I’m tired all the time, the heaviest I’ve ever been, I don’t feel close to R or M even though I talk to them more in-depth than with anyone else… I see myself failing a lot. And basically it seems like the solution is to just keep going. What I really want, or feel like I want/would help me deal, is to take some time for myself and just be in my own space, doing things by and for myself. it’s really hard when r and I spend all our time together. he manages to read books more than i do at home, though. i haven’t been able to kick my recent stardew valley streak. I still want to play that, AND this new game that just came out called FutureGrind? It looks like glowy Trials with some SSX flavor. but that’s not productive, so I worry about R judging me.. and then do it anyway because I refuse to perform my life so I can avoid judgment from my boyfriend of a year and a half. (damn, a year and a half?)

I read some of How To Win Friends and Influence People, actually poked at it a couple times. The main points I’m seeing/thinking so far are like…

• your mileage may vary if you’re not a white guy in the early 20th century.
• wow dale, your capitalism is so much lighter than ours. imagine companies built on relationships top to bottom, where workers can actually be rewarded in meaningful ways. imagine these companies being the default.
• this is the kind of thing I should probably be taking notes on as I’m reading it rather than trying to marathon-read like a NJO novel.
• kind of going in with the previous, but i should also revisit this book from time to time to keep it top-of-mind when engaging with people. repetition is uh. a. thing.
• THE PLURAL OF ANECDOTE IS NOT DATA, DALE. I BET A LOT OF THOSE STORIES ARE FAKE ANYWAY

the other night when i was actually getting into the meat of the book (instead of the part where it sells itself to me, the person who already owns the book, ad nauseam) it was talking about how the best way to get someone to do what you want or to like you is to give them what they want. I haven’t finished the chapter yet, and I think part of the point it’s trying to make is that there are certain universal likes (lol sdv), but I fell asleep that night shortly after trying to think about what kinds of things the people I work with want. like, how can I engage them on subjects that interest them and make them feel good about themselves in ways that…. actually speak to them? are these questions I actually have enough info to answer, and if so, why haven’t i put the pieces together yet?

–

not like i know what to do about any of this.

I really managed to finish 2018 without updating (publishing) since august, huh

I’m sick. again. i had a cold around the end of october that lasted two whole weeks and was 100% coughing. like, I was going through a bottle a day just to be functional at work and not have to step into the hallway every ten minutes for a cough attack. it was the worst cold in recent memory. this one is very annoyingly timed with my 5 consecutive days off, ending tomorrow. less coughing and more just Incredible Faucet Nose.

I did nothing with my time off. it’s hard to go places and do things without 1) budgeting better and 2) having someone else along. M had her family + boyfriend thing out of town and only got back Saturday night/Sunday morning, and of course wouldn’t want to do something right after getting back from all that business. R had family in town, so I ended up tagging along to that a fair amount. They’re really fun, nice, smart people and I enjoy spending time with them. The only thing is that I really struggle with remembering the names of all his relatives outside immediate family, and how they’re related to each other. I’ve never been close with someone who stays in touch with this much of their family. It’s kind of incredible. It was also an opportunity to see R interact with people who’ve known him so well for so long. is it dumb that I didn’t *really* think he had a label, a specific political affiliation, until he and his sib were talking about it recently? it had come up before, I just… wasn’t sure how much it was a part of him. What else don’t I know? how much more honesty do we have to go through before we’re like… sustainable w/each other instead of (relatively) new relationship airs?

but yeah. break hasn’t felt like break, holidays haven’t felt festive, just kind of getting through. it’s exhausting and boring. i wish I could spend some more time alone. tomorrow’s the best I can get, though, and for all I know R will come down as soon as he wakes up. I’m thinking probably not, but you never know. he has a knack for doing whatever will surprise me in mildly unpleasant ways.

I was browsing netflix shows today…. oh man, I blazed through both Dragon Prince s1 and whatever it was called, Tidying Up? in one day. Jfc. Dragon Prince just seems like… bad avatar. Cool animation, obviously a lot of budget and it looks gr8, but the characters are…. not compelling. I do like that the protags do a lot of talking about their failures and like, figuring out how to work better as a team. that’s pretty cool. but other than that blahhhhhh.

after like five months of no posting, you’d think i’d have more to say. and hey i probably do but it’s probably also too much for one post, and I don’t know how to separate out the important things and write them clearly. what did I even do with these last 5 months? whenever people ask to catch up with me, I don’t have a good answer for them, and I don’t have a good answer here, either. i haven’t been to any cool shows that I recall, no fun parties, no classes or self-improvement (quite the opposite), no milestones, no goals, no nothing. guess what: R still consumes my life, my thoughts, my time, my effort. i really like him and i like spending time with him, but it’s obvious we’re both struggling to accomplish our own goals and spend time together. these two things should not be mutually exclusive, and yet, so far… yeah. adulting. when i’m not with r these days, i’m probably either at work or doing laundry. time goes so fast and everything is soft, easy, and at a remove. I want to change. I know he does, too.

aside from that, I guess I did drop acid for the first time right at the beginning of my previous cold. took half a tab and colors were beautiful and more vivid, r and i cracked each other up all day, something about ducks, and i finally found monty python laugh-out-loud funny. i also remember thinking that I really should learn more world history.

it’s 2019. i should do the per-month spread, call insurance, schedule an oil change, and maybe spend some time researching jobs and housing and education. fuck, dude. people are relying on me more now.

gonna go to sleep before i can do so accidentally while holding down one letter key for several pages.

Is this just my “bitch about my boyfriend” zone now? Ugh.

Feeling conflicted over our interactions today. I was feeling myself and sent him a bunch of gifs. I thought they were all pretty great and well done. Literally no response to the sexual aspect, and instead he fixated on the part that was supposed to be funny, the inclusion of my mint sheep plush in one selfie, and turned it into a pseudo-rejection, “not in front of the stuffed animal”-style.

I don’t get it. I don’t understand why he would respond that way if he feels about me the way he claims to. Even when I’m not personally super rowdy, receiving something personal, sexy, and well done can persuade me to feel otherwise OR AT LEAST I fucking appreciate it aesthetically. Not this weak bullshit.

So yeah, I’m kinda frustrated… again. But then, at the same time…. do I have a right to be? Am I taking this too personally? He doesn’t owe me sex. He doesn’t owe me any given feeling at any given moment, and he was actually trying to get work done that day. Maybe it was just a lower priority than trying to bust ass on a project. BUT other texts he was totally fine to respond to, and he even sent the group thread a link to some bbc article right around the same time as I was sending gifs.

So yeah, that shit is useless, and I’m tired and feel disconnected from R. The least I can do is try to get some rest for tomorrow and be prepared to own some production tasks. do i text asking for confirmation of receipt/that one of us isn’t missing messages along the way?

i feel bad for wanting to bring this up again. it’s like, every damn week, you know?

i would lurve to find a therapist.

hey radio: be less crunchy

things are better/more normal than the last time I wrote on here. this keyboard is such a fucking pleasure to type on, regardless of content. I took a break from R this weekend and did my own shit. despite my attempts to imbue all communications about the break with affection and clear intentions, he wound up thinking I was going to break up with him. like… I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t crossed my mind, but I wouldn’t. I love him and want to be with him and haven’t yet completely worn myself out asking him to meet my needs. as a bonus, both nights since the end of the break we’ve been boning down for actual reasonable amounts of time. I worry that it’s just going in the same direction, like, one conversation and done, old habits. how can I avert that train? maybe by staying here tonight i guess, so i’m not exhausted tmrw. he’s probably not going to be able to get it up again tonight anyway since I accidentally let him cum this morning. tch. For real though, it’s been so fucking nice to spend time with him and actually have his attention instead of feeling like a forgotten comfort object–he would notice if I wasn’t there, but was too busy to give me his time and attention even if I was always around, always available.

it would be good if I would actually point more things out to him in the moment, if it occurs to me, I think. I generally try to assume good intentions/that it’ll sort itself out and not be a big deal rather than jumping on little individual things, is why i have trouble with that. BUT the good news is my new insurance starts today! So now I have no excuse for not finding a therapist. … *promptly goes to do other things*

pokemon and makeup are p good reasons not to find one just yet. i would be totally into making a mindmap kind of thing for potential future therapists tho. at what point is therapy w/another person not helpful?  /points

you know that thing I do where I live with M and share my life with her and then the things I share with her get ruined and fucked up and I can’t enjoy them/partake anymore bc it all becomes about her?

gueeessssss who, when given a few hours, deeply reconnected with M and spent the whole night angling to hang out with her even once I was around, then spent at least an hour playing APC and whispering lyrics hotly in her ear while variously playing with her

guess who, after that happened and I let him know I felt…. I think I said “frustrated” although maybe “sad” would have been more accurate and honest… brought up the same excuses as last time about being busy lately, and one new one about me being in his unfinished space at the new house a lot in the last few weeks?

my body is sore and I am Tired. these noodles are pretty alright with cabbage, jalapeño, and bbq pulled pork, but seriously, what’s the fucking point of me? nobody fucking likes or wants me except for my sometimes-wreck of a girlfriend, whom I don’t feel I can trust with much. (and then do anyway bc ~boundaries~ wooo)

I put a fair bit of effort and thought into this relationship. Trying to look cute and more femme, doing things to make R feel more welcome at our place and keep it nice, trying to show that I’m really into him through words and physical affection (more the latter these days, admittedly–thinking that he doesn’t want me makes it harder to be vulnerable and vocalize things), figuring out what he likes and what makes him laugh so I can try to deliver that, spending a lot of time on him. And Yet M is the one who gets his undivided, thoughtful and sexual attention for hours on end. M, the one who on any given night is just as likely to yell at him/us for the wind blowing the wrong way on her router. M, who in my experience isn’t that great in bed, you guys, are you all that into starfish who dry out after ten minutes. M, who has poor hygiene in ways that I find off-putting when in close contact with her.

Probably because (1) they still haven’t actually fucked ever and (2) he sees her as being decently hardcore/serious kinky.

I thought R was really emotionally mature compared to dudes I’ve been with before, and liked that he was capable of thinking about his own feelings and junk and would then do a good job of communicating his end of things directly and respectfully. it pushed me to hold myself to a higher standard in that area, honestly. And Yet it kind of looks like he’s doing the same thing as other guys, all of whom eat this Sexy Damaged Goods shit up. Even though we’ve totally complained to each other about her various issues. AND not only is he doing something like that, but he keeps trying to obfuscate. but I’m gonna go ahead and draw the parallels between this and the shit you say about being able to connect better to lana del rey’s love songs bc the relationships are often unhealthy. i’ve already been on that ride! If you need to explore that further for yourself, then fuck off and quit wasting my time! I’m so fucking over M’s bullshit dynamics!

so tired. so lonely. i miss you and want you, dummo. I wish i could believe you were telling the truth when you say nice things about me.

I know it’s not actually this black and white, but let me have my anger and hurt, dammit. I’ve spent too much of the past year hung up on this same worry, this same conversation, and am increasingly thinking I just need to…. adjust my expectations for which of my needs he’ll meet, and take responsibility for getting the rest met. whether that’s through opening up the relationship or this being a dealbreaker, just SOMETHING needs to change for me. I’m not willing to settle for never being touched by the person I love and not being made to feel attractive or like my needs are worth meeting. do you want this relationship? okay, so why all the excuses for not taking care of it properly?

I… need the energy to fold laundry and clean bills off my desk at the bare minimum x.x but still, honestly, if the immediate absence of some effort is enough of a reason to dismiss my feelings then fuck this shit, you know what I’m saying?

sffdfdjfjdghsd hey there

so tired. partly physical, because heat and new piercing, but partly also social/interpersonal tired. i kind of want to cry but don’t feel like i can. the door to my room is like 35º open because it’s hot and i don’t want to miss out on the ventilation, but it means i basically can’t tell if someone is gonna come in here until it’s too late to smoothly minimize, so I’ll have to close things quickly and crane my stupid cranky head around like a guilty teenager.

not sure if it’s this keyboard making me feel fast or if for some reason i’m decently okay at typing despite having done very little typing for a long time.

starting to tighten up other ends of my security, that feels decent.

r + m are watching a movie and being talkative. is it stupid that it hurt my feelings that he wanted to show her some porn or other on r/all and didn’t make any effort to include me? do… you even know what i like? it’s cute that you think you know me well enough to say that you know me “so well” when there are…. so many conversations we haven’t had. so many things i don’t feel like i can share with you without either being judged or just… not understood, and subsequently forgotten. maybe not “so many,” idk. enough for it to occur to me. my own fault for trying to be whatever i think other people will like.

i got an industrial piercing on thursday. that’s actually pretty fucking cool. like… it’s going to be a bitch to clean twice a day and to work around when changing clothes with smaller collars (heh) and not forget about/subsequently touch inappropriately but you guys. i’ve wanted this piercing since like ninth grade. at least. that’s when i have evidence, that i remember, of wanting it… a shitty mac equivalent of paint where i drew it in by hand using a laptop trackpad. because that’s just always been my level of narcissism. but hey according to the piercer, i have the “perfect shape” of ear for it. bc the fold on the inside is low enough to not get in the way of the bar connecting the two holes.

man. i might be faster than i’d expect on this keyboard, or perceive myself as faster or whatever, but i sure do make some mistakes.

but yeah, industrial. new coworkers wanted to do a piercing party, so we fucking did. i…. don’t fit in super great, but they’re nice. everything is exhausting and i often don’t feel good enough. my new supervisor, the one i interviewed with originally… i feel like i’m letting her down, or like she’s disappointed in me. but then maybe i’m reading too much into it and she’s just sad and tired and antisocial like me. maybe k is right and she’s secretly miserable here….

super good at getting off-track. i did this semi-permanent thing with my body that i’ve been thinking about forever, and i actually fucking like it and feel deeply satisfied when i see it there. it makes me feel like…. me. i had to buzz my sides to get it out of the way of the tender, bleeding-prone ear bits, and interestingly enough…. i don’t… it’s not the look i want, really? i want something more femme, which having the sides at 1″ helped with. keeping my hair longer makes the top of my head fluffier, making my fat jaw and jowls less noticeable, giving my face a more triangular shape.

i’ve been tired and overheated today to the point of feeling low-key ill. i hope it doesn’t continue. tiiiiime to soak my ear and be bored and sore for ten minutes tho

–

fuck, yeah. have you ever just sat there with your ear in a cup of lukewarm saline crying because you wish you were dead? do something new every day. by which i guess i technically mean you should combine old things in new ways to fool yourself into feeling like that shit is novel.

at least i had a little time to feel it by myself.

gotta make sure i bring the right shoes with me.

if i didn’t have to work tomorrow at 7:30, i would absolutely want to be alone. but i’m just trying to make things easier for future-me. I’m sorry.

is this really going to work for me? he’s nice, and funny, and considerate, and perceptive, and we share a lot of interests… but so often i feel like he’s not interested in me, and i don’t like the ways i feel judged. and i don’t entirely know what he really wants his future to look like. i think we share an interest in shared/communal living spaces. i think he very much wants to be a dad. whether biological or not, i’m not totally sure. he wants to go back to school. would that take him away from the irl presence that makes this work for me? neither of us is super great at long-distance stuff with each other, it usually ends up being a break of sorts.

and…. totally aside from putting all this on him….. in the last week, we’ve had a lot of time together after work bc i’ve been staying with him. it’s… probably a bit early to judge, but tbh it was kind of boring. kiiiind of dull. we were both having a hard time being up in each other’s space like that for extended periods and knowing what to do with it. i have plenty of computer-based work i could be doing, but it’s really fucking hard to do computer-based anything at his place without feeling like i’m offending

wow, it has almost been a month. hewwo

• I’m getting out of my current job, finally, for something that pays slightly better and HAS BENEFITS oh god I can finally maybe go to therapy and/or get an antianxiety med and/or antidepressant! also, work-life balance and more interesting coworkers. I…. don’t know how to come out to them as polyam but might just kinda… go for i. anyway, my last day here is wednesday, then I start there on friday.
• r’s been sick all weekend and i’ve been taking care of him. it was very cute to see him soft and vulnerable like that. it was a lot of mutual affection. also, one day when he was feeling better, he ate me out until i came, so that’s a milestone. i high-fived him and then ate an ice cream cone. he also helped me wiiiiiith….
• making a beagle bagel shirt design for M. I made a version to go on darker and a version to go on lighter. finally, 3-4 wks of drawing nothing but beagles has paid off…. although it still looks weird and clipart-y and amateur as fuck, you know that right? but I fucking did it. soon, 14 people will have proof. ordered and everything. tomorrow, printing a porygon.
• so sleepy. i have clothes picked out for tomorrow, a decent idea of what to do for….

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I fell asleep there and hit the “i” key a bunch of times. my last day was yesterday, then i went to a show with r, then stayed up until 2 helping him pack his room to move bc he had a flight to catch today at 4. got it done. came home. ate snacks, took a nap until like 4:15. trying to be productive now. I can’t believe I start a new job tomorrow… it’s going to be such a longer commute. and i haven’t done this kind of work in years, what if I actually suck? 🙁 I need to prepare on many levels.