what a pointless holdover. it’s not meaningful or #deep or useful or anything, it’s… a twitch of muscle. endlessly self-perpetuating since i let it.
i’m still strapped to the grshr train. tonight i learned that ziyal and garak are apparently canon and i just…. made a lot of vomiting noises. their on-screen kiss shortly after this was really uncomfortable to watch. partly because of my own shipping preferences, for sure, but also… when she first came on the show, i thought she was basically a teenager. and garak is what, 40 or 50? i know age gaps aren’t inherently bad if both ppl are adults and freely consenting and all that, but in this case… they seem like a terrible romantic match. for one thing, none of their interactions look like cardassian flirting (okay, they’re both social rejects, with no hope of assimilating into cardassian society, it doesn’t have to be the point–but then why garak’s loyalty and insistence on maintaining form?) OR human flirting…. aside from the dialogue where ziyal’s feelings are really laid out, i would have read it more like a father/daughter kind of thing, especially since it seemed like garak was taking dukat’s place. idk, maybe cardassians don’t give a shit about age gaps like that (a fictional race where a much younger female is permitted to adore and fawn over an older man who’s done little to deserve it but exist and be himself around her. i just… yecch, i wish they hadn’t taken the romo road here. and admit that part of it is ship and part of it is squick. and part of it is just… trying to fit them into the other pieces i have of each character. a lot had to happen between them offscreen.
i was thinking of maybe doing a night court crossover fic, if i ever did anything creative. one chapter for each possibility. garak in eglantine. garak in… lol i guess bryony would be the house of ferengis then. but no, isn’t there a house that produces gardeners? or would that still be eglantine, to have that visual art component? garak could be cereus, i suppose. following the rules, the decorum, the unbreakable grace of his service. oh my god. i could do garak in each damn house. (yeah i could. lmao) julian in balm, obviously, or possibly gentian. either would be easy, obvious, fitting choices for the implant storyline. oh my god. julian and garak in valerian and mandrake. my stomach just.. did that thing where it feels like it dropped into my groin and i have no sexy way of describing it.
maybe someday. or maybe it’ll only ever be a plan of a plan. yeah, how about that one.
is it terrible that i wish ST could be semi-mandatory viewing for ppl in positions of power? to make sure they see this vision of a future society that respects life and does such an actual… decent job of providing for its citizens? makes actual improvements to quality of life and gives a shit? it doesn’t have to be this way.
my cracked tooth is hurting most of the time now. i think it sorta backed off over the weekend when i wasn’t having carrots for a snack, soooo that bodes well for my main snack component every week day. maybe the dentist i saw wasn’t such a terrible person. maybe. i can’t believe a fucking glass water bottle broke my front fucking tooth. (not broken, not yet, but probably will be if i try to wait 6 months for a second opinion. and at this rate i’ll still be insurance-less by then)
i’m supposed to take a shower tomorrow morning. i hope i do. i hope i do as well at work tomorrow as i did today. i hope i smell less unwashed and musty than i did today. later in the day, i came back to my seat, and someone had sprayed some kind of… scented aerosol of some sort in the area. it didn’t smell like the usual lysol. was it a hint, or coincidental? does it matter, given how noticeably i smelled? 😛
i might actually be getting over my work crush. how disappointing. last friday, a bunch of ppl from near my area were leaving at the same time as me and we were all talking about the overtime the next day and joking and smiling, and he came up the stairs as we were heading down, and i happened to see him and meet his eyes mid-grin. it felt good but not electric. then when i was putting my shit in my car, he walked past and said, “see you tomorrow” with this big smile on his face, like, god damn, what a bright smile. is that even a compliment or is that just toothpaste advertising? an… effusive smile? ugh. and i hate my body and face enough these days that maybe i’m rejecting myself for him anyway. i feel like he’s too conventionally attractive to see anything worthwhile about me, physically–but maybe he hasn’t been looking that hard anyway. or maybe it’s more obvious when not all bundled up for this freezing-ass weather. or if he ever tried to touch me. i genuinely disgust myself.
it’s nice to be saying all these things, for once, but i have to go to bed before it can get any later.
P.S. i did finally respond to ALL the backlog of messages from m. fuckin’ yeah.