Tonight’s going pretty decent so far, like… peaceful and productive. How rare! 😛
I made a pot of kava + chamomile tea for myself and M. She has a massive 22-24 oz. mug (it has an image of the “ctrl+alt+del” keys with the text “#SELFDESTRUCTING” below–pretty fucking great all around) and as a result, one very full teapot only equals three mugs of tea. I’d totally have another mug of this, otherwise…. it feels like… a gentle depressant? And it doesn’t taste half bad, especially with the chamomile.
Other accomplishments for the evening… actually, wait, let’s just say the last 24ish hours bc I’ve been productive: built desk from IKEA, built something that’s supposed to be a stepstool but I’m going to use as a “shrine”/”altar” kinda thing, put white string lights on walls (even though they don’t connect to each other! am disappointed but still managed to make them look cute and not cover the walls in excess cable) and hung up Mettaton poster. Possibly more. Technically, I also unboxed and put a trash bag inside a new garbage can that isn’t a deep pink mesh anomaly…. definitely less effort there, though.
About that IKEA desk. The top is wood and I didn’t actually finish it or stain it with anything, and that may come back to bite me. Putting it together was a sweaty learning experience, though. Did you know: 1) that you can dip screws in petroleum jelly or roll the threads in a bar of soap to lubricate them + make it easier to insert screws that are too big for pre-drilled holes? 2) that some, if not all, IKEA furniture that looks like it calls for a Phillips-head screwdriver is actually calling for a Pozidrive head? Because. These two bits of lore made all the difference in my attempts yesterday to put the damn legs on. I wouldn’t have been able to finish AT ALL if M hadn’t done the googling while I screamed and wrecked my wrists on the screws.
End result: more surface area on my actual desk, and my file cabinet can fit under the adjustable legs. My room is turning into an IKEA display and I’m not sure how to feel about it. Damn, though. Even just starting to tack the string lights onto the walls lifted my mood and made me feel more at home. This room is really starting to shape up, even if it could use some soundproofing in the form of curtains, wall hangings, and rugs. (may or may not actually be plural in any of those cases.)
There’s one last thing I wanted to talk about, and I’m not sure I’ll have much success due to mental block, timing, whatever, but.. my feelings toward Melissa. Again. Two real-life incidents that particularly got me thinking. One, last Friday or so, she mentioned something about …. *checks the moniker? alias? I last used on here* mr. dude guy, and of course the conversation jumped to innuendo and the knowledge that he’s basically made a standing offer to come over whenever we want, and in turn that M is down whenever I give the word. so last friday when all this came up, I straight-up told her “Not to mention you and I haven’t really been anything and I feel kind of weird and guilty when the only intimacy we’re having is like, with [mr. dude guy]“. (side note: it’s weird and shitty how I’ve totally talked to myself and to her about this issue before but in my mind, when trying to remember shit surrounding this, I can’t remember sharing or working on processing this. It’s as shitty and lonely as ever.)
Her response… seemed calm and rational and like she was trying to understand my perspective/think through things herself, but then she mentioned she was crying about it on her lunch break, so ????? I don’t know how sensitive she is or isn’t on the subject. I do know that what understanding she offered was generally relevant, but didn’t directly mention one of the things that I’ve been framing as a catalyst for my end of things: this spring. With all the lying and cheating and going behind my back. I feel like that’s contributed to … well, it contributed to not wanting to be physically vulnerable with her, feeling like I can’t trust her or communicate with her w/o it turning into a Thing she internalizes + takes too far and I don’t know. I also don’t know how much of present day issues still stems from that, or if it’s like… hold-over, a pattern I no longer know how to break. I thought about it a lot today, or at least tried to think about it… I think I could enjoy being with her, physically, but part of it is just that I don’t expect her to be able to meet my needs due to past experiences. I expect it to be an energy drain, not sexy, and… baby talk. Ugh, how do I tell her that I don’t want to hear any iteration or conjugation of “bird” during sex? I’m not fucking a bird. I’m fucking a human being and when I say those words, I completely remove myself and any potential enjoyment from the situation. How can I tell her that when I know her language patterns are also spoon-dependent and she’s probably trying to talk as best she can without making her life harder/more of an energy drain? This…. is my pattern, I think. Expecting people to never change, thinking I have to move on and find a whole new person without X “flaw” in order to get over the issue. I just never thought I’d be thinking these things so much about Melissa.
Thing is, sometimes I can get into my memories just right, I can remember what it felt like to be In Love with her. It seems accessible. It seems like a matter of perspective and muscles. I want it to be more like that. I feel like our relationship should be more like that, emotionally. But these last few years, I’m bitter, contemptuous, always needing more space than I get or ask for, and all-around stagnant. Comfort zone. It’s scary to always feel like that and very rarely, very fleetingly feel the good things. And it’s frustrating to try to think of solutions and find that everything I imagine looks like her piggybacking off my energy, riding my coattails, not being her own person choosing to be there and be her own person but just following me around and using my energy and my decisions as a lead so she doesn’t have to think or use as much energy. How can I blame her for that, you know? And how the fuck do I find the line between working on being a better partner and trying to be authentic so that I can actually feel good things?
It seems like it’d be good to have some out of the house-type hobbies. Some separate and some together, ideally… not sure either of us has the time or energy.
I guess what strikes me when I remember how things used to feel is that she and I are very similar. I used to be better at finding that, and it used to be… more of a conversation-starter. Now it’s like everything is blah and not enough, to me.
This all seems like a lot of work, and doesn’t seem likely to all happen soon. Certainly not before we’ll have another encounter with Mr. Dude Guy. Hopefully… asking for more space, asking for more things I need and being clear about what I need will help. I hope it doesn’t just end up with us pushing each other away. For so long I always saw our relationship as something really… special, unique, untouchable. It’s scary and I feel guilty when I reflect now on how sublunary it really is (/has been). When I see how we are bad for each other (I still need to work on being happy for her when she’s happy instead of pushing away/being skeptical every time it comes from somewhere new (TM) that has nothing to do with me. That was something I experienced today with her new tarot deck.)
I don’t know what to do! I don’t know if writing any of this made a lick of difference. I think actions and communication are the only thing that can save me now.
She always seems so… unconditionally affectionate. Even when I’m aloof or mean or stubborn. And it doesn’t make me feel good. I feel guilty for not reciprocating, not being enough, not being what she deserves. It feels like nothing I do is real. Just a bunch of habits and patterns.
None of this is going to help me in the morning, is it? Ugh. It’s nice to at least have had the time to have gone through these motions uninterrupted, while having a nice mug of tea, in my new string light-decorated room.
so much… there’s so much I didn’t get to. Richard talking about his family, his homophobic extended family making his gayness abt them… we tried to have a discussion about weed, i TRIED, but every time I tried to say something I feel like it came out wrong, presumptive, badly framed, just… wrong. I don’t know why they put up with me. I guess they’re stuck with me and are just being nice, to talk to me so often. Somehow I don’t notice their effort to reach out to me, don’t reciprocate. I’m really not anything, huh?
Time to pick an outfit and get 7ish hours of sleep, maybe.