it’s kind of impressive. when i come home, it’s much easier not to feel immediately upset. I feel almost normal, if slightly avoidant. but as soon as i get to work–and then all day at work–I’m off-and-on fighting tears.
my supervisor, who has worked here for several years, is leaving. we found this out monday, although it sounds like she’s known for a while and been planning for as smooth a transition as possible. she is only being “replaced” by my coworker who does not have the same education, experience, or knowledge she does. don’t get me wrong, he’s a cool and reliable guy, but he’s not going to be able to be a resource in the same way she was. and suddenly, after only a year’s experience, i am going to be the second most senior person on the team, and together, the previously mentioned coworker and I are going to have to train three new people. current supervisor is leaving in two weeks. i don’t feel capable or qualified to help them, and I am really not looking forward to having sup’s body of knowledge basically 1) partially disseminated among multiple people in upper management and 2) just fucking lost. there is no one else here who can do what she can do. i may be able to find people to answer questions i would have fielded to her before, but it’s going to be more of an effort to contact them, and it’s up to me and coworker guy to answer most of the stuff for new people.
when i write it out… none of what i’ve said above has significantly upset me. i can’t pinpoint why this change is so upsetting to me when i’m in it at work, which part of it is inescapable to the point of tears. it’s not like i considered her a close friend, but….. she’s probably the best supervisor i’ve ever had. she was so cheerful, she makes everything easier, she’s so friendly and supportive, she stands up to upper management for us (usually)…. my best guess is that i’m upset that I have to be the adult now (or, you know, one of the adults). i’m not fucking ready or qualified for this. just today i fucked up a specific task, but like…. without supervisor + 1 other upper management person (the latter of whom is only here once a week) in the building, i was the most fucking qualified person to do that task, and i had to fucking wait for one of them to get there to finish the fucking task. and pretty soon i won’t have that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to do better. I think everyone expects me to be better and has the attitude of “we’ll figure it out” but that’s because they’re not in this department/qualified for and expected to perform these things every day if & as they come up. what do i do without a supervisor who can help with literally all of it all at the same time, and be like…. nice and sweet and kind and patient about it. fuck. i guess i found the part that’s bothering me. i need to go to sleep bc i’m on early shift this week but i haven’t processed this shit on my own yet. is this processing? maybe it’s just re-traumatizing myself over and over by repeating how scared and helpless i feel. it’s not a game plan. the best advice i have so far is from R, saying to talk to her, like, go grab a light dinner together after work or something. but so far, she’s been too busy to talk to. we’re all training the new peeps in the department and she has so much stuff to wrap up.
i need kleenex.
anyway, talking to her would be a great idea if i weren’t just going to burst into tears. that’s going to be hard to get around. i need to ask her things, though. like… i need to not be point person on the thing that i fucked up today and that i always fucking have trouble with. mother fucker. i need her advice on standing up to upper management trying to make us do stupid shit. i need her better, broader, deeper comprehension of what we do so i don’t omit important context and reasoning when training new people. there’s no way i can do that shit. how are we supposed to do this without her??? um anyway not helpful i guess. i need to know who’s going to be responsible for what when she’s gone. just how much is my coworker taking on? how much am I? upper management?
it kind of feels like this Task I Fucked Up gets to the heart of it. maybe. there are expectations about to be put on me to be the most reliable person for this shit. i am not sufficiently reliable. that’s not really other people’s problem. i am alone and floundering in my failure, yay. that’s …. yeah. maybe it is that. i have assessed myself and found myself wanting. i *can* do a lot of tasks, but i’m not the best or fastest, but suddenly actually i am bc everyone else is a noob? and i get to just deal with that. i wasn’t expecting to take this amount of responsibility for this place, dammit.
i should really sleep. i don’t know if the above has helped a damn thing.