work-crush – the void

this goose is cooked

ulllllll my penchant for becoming more candid the later it gets really clashes with my being tired when it’s late, these days.

i started running again. (wait, i haven’t posted on here since i started, have i…?) I haven’t done great… I’m still not up to my target distance, and I’ve taken more than 1 day off in the past week. but it’s still a drastic change from the nothing that came before. and it’s kind of amusing and cool that i started doing it in the middle of busy season. seems like it’d be easier to find excuses then, you know, but honestly? it’s easier to make myself just do the thing when i’m already on borrowed time for what little time is mine every night. it’s also easier when there are Specific Other Things going on to also squeeze in… if ppl are coming over, i can’t just let my life expand to fill the available time without actually completing some of those things. it’s a good reminder of how to stay distracted from the pit of nothingness that i’m really good at.
running has made me really genuinely tired every night. kinda cool, kind of annoying.
running and busy season can’t stop me from scarfing down whatever leftovers M makes available to me. and sometimes my cravings even after that are, like, fucking ridiculous and i cave so quickly. maybe because i’m tired? i’m not sure. but yeah tonight i ate maybe 3/4-1 cup of rice, the side portions filled with pickled red cabbage and cucumbers and whatever else, a half of a fancy sandwich, literal bites of fancy cheese off a block M was snacking on, and a bowl of smorz cereal… with a little bit of cream added to the milk. my stomach is still full. i had been resisting getting a snack (oh! and 3 pieces of a kitkat bar) for long enough, and thinking about it long enough, that when i finally got up to go make the smorz, my stomach was like “hey buddy, don’t worry about it, i’m good after all” but my brain was like “NOPE NO GOING BACK NOW YOU’RE GONNA MAKE THIS SNACK AND LIKE IT” so. ulllllll
so much housework i should be doing and am not. mostly…. vacuuming. the living room is super dirty and there’s ants. i wish m would do more without prompting, but can’t blame her for being too tired. i don’t have the energy most nights after doing OT.
i need to get a different fucking job. pretty much all i’m qualified for is like my old position but at bigger, less cool companies, and probably more stressful. i…. don’t know enough to know how valid my anxieties are, but i’m kinda afraid of linkedin, and worry that the absence of certain things will make me subtly less attractive as a candidate. it seems like a bit of a different social network.
no matter how much i squeeze and press and pinch, the lump on my sternum does not pop or bleed or go away. so maybe it’s more cancer on top of the ugly-ass mole we know and love.
tomorrow is only thursday. good fucking god.
things 100% stagnated with work crush. he stopped smiling and waving at me after the first few days and returned to RBF. was briefly gratified today when i turned the corner to the stairs just as he was on the last few steps and i said “oop, sorry” and he also said “sorry”, but his voice kinda squeaked or broke when he did so? it was very cute and i want to believe it was an indication of him also crushing on me. i fucking wish…. i guess. i think that fantasizing about him is still one of the more exciting things in my mind, but that perhaps my overall excitability has waned a bit? or maybe this is just the lull between old fantasies and the next high. (i have been fucking myself more since i started running again, so…?) whatever it is, it’s still enough to put Hot Thoughts on repeat for entire afternoons at work and be constantly back-burner thinking of him, like a compass needle.

so tired.

russian

*remembers to change the iTunes equalizer to its ATH-AD700 preset this time*

i was all set to forever associate this song with being mildly angsty about Rushi, too. things seem okay now. not like the…. intensity, the anticipation of last week where work was just one unending obstacle to m and them hanging out and getting drunk, but like.. the curtness was more temporary than i thought. and they actually talked about it instead of it hanging there between them silently, for whatever that’s worth. hell, even i texted him tonight to say thanks for taking m home… since i was at work for literally 12 hours. 7:30 to 7:30. and yet, my body and mind didn’t feel ready to go to bed just yet, so here i am. idk if this feels restful, but hopefully it helps.

my sephora box came today! a day early. i masked and watched ds9 while trying to keep up with texting people (everything is …. everything i do feels like it comes from a sideways version of me, like I’m not really the one thinking about it, or like it’s all p much autopilot. i don’t have the energy to think about it, so i’m glad whoever’s taking over is secretly pretty much the same as the parts of me that didn’t feel like thinking about it consciously. ummm this is the worst parenthetical) and then tried out the new moisturizer. and then promptly cried on top of the moisturizer because how in the fuck could miles and keiko be so strong and sure in sending their so recently found daughter back to the unreachable place where she’d been lost to them before? anyway i also tried out as many perfumes as my arms had distinct spots for, and that was both exciting and…. skepticism-inducing. is buying perfume from sephora too basic bitch? am i secretly like five years too late to all of these perfumes and if i like any of them i’m probably wearing the same shit as some junior in high school somewhere? (wow. rich high schooler.) got more Decadence, though. i liked having that one around. and for fucking once, i might actually…. like the perfume from the sampler that i set out to like based on the description? most of the time i’m not good at that, like, at ALL.

cute boy alert: we passed each other twice in quick succession today. the first time we both said sorry with, like, smiling voices, you know? and the second time he just laughed aloud. i failed to make eye contact. he really is nice. i just don’t know if he means nothing by it, if it’s …. friendly, if he just wants to talk and respond and all that, or if it’s an expression of interest in more than that. and uugghhhh even if it were more than that (1) I kinda hate my body and can’t imagine anyone else enjoying it, and (2) remember what i was talking about last time with the dog chasing cars thing. i have such a strong feeling that if he actually had feelings for me…. i wouldn’t reciprocate, AND would have a possibility of getting in trouble at work. soooooo you know, that’s good. better keep pursuing him.

a couple nights ago… monday night? m and i actually talked, after one of her counselor appointments. amusingly enough, it started by dissecting rushi’s most recent messages at the time. she admitted that she still wanted to bang jm, despite everything, and no one was surprised ever…. but she was surprised by some of my responses, i think. she sounded very lonely and upset and trapped by her own thoughts and feelings, like, fear of fucking things up between us even worse than they already are. not knowing if the current lack of sex and sleeping in different rooms is permanent and feeling like she didn’t have the right to ask. it was… a surprisingly good and honest talk. it’s so rare that i talk about things with her and it doesn’t feel futile and cyclical, and/or like i’m somehow lying about myself or my feelings, whether through exaggeration or minimization. BUT since it was an overtime night and we also made roasted veggies before that and i did some of my laundry as well, we were up until 1 am in order to be able to talk. Boy, did I feel like shit on Tuesday morning. I’m really, really glad that today didn’t feel like that (although i gotta be careful how long i’m blogging here lmao) she said it was rly important to her to be in the same room–not necessarily the same bed or even cuddling, but same room–for sleeping. i forget what exactly i said but it seemed to me like there were some available solutions. she got kinda spiraly/cyclical in her arguments. and i helped her have a better theoretical discussion about fucking JM or not than her counselor had provided. idk if i can remember what else. it was a lot about our current status and stuff. i was honest about, or tried to be honest about, why i don’t enjoy sleeping with her, in her bed especially. we actually had different perspectives on things personal.

aww whaaaaaat i’m like 200-300 under the usual word count still but i think i should go.

the actual non-remix of Futile Devices (yes, more devices)

I guess I’m up this early because of tequila and pizza sending me and M to an early bed. God, I didn’t want or need that level of junk food, even if it tasted fucking delicious. and it was lovely to have K pick the episodes of Lost Girl, since I usually go for the same handful. five slices, man. FIVE SLICES.

sleep was rly weird last night, though. I kept having iterations of the same dream. being at work and running into cute coworker, or contriving to, or thinking about it. the building was totally different, though… it was almost like we were part of some weird fucking strip mall (why would anyone want us there) and if you walked far enough through our stuff, you’d come to a makeup store. not sure what was on the other side. despite that feeling of constantly waiting and contriving and being aware of him/his absence/whatever, my brain decided that he and i would barely ever run into each other, and if we did, like…. no words would be exchanged. how un-exciting and disappointing. at one point i woke up and refilled my water bottle and tried to talk at whatever part of my brain might be responsible for this travesty, letting it know that it would be more fun if there was kissing and/or sex involved. or to pick a different dream.

i didn’t get dream sex but i got a different dream. being in the city. i remember at one point being near some fucking… weird-ass trolley thing, the end of the track, in a big field kind of like at the Center by the fountain. except it felt like it was maybe slightly farther uptown. there was a… wall, maybe a tunnel where the trolley could come out, across the field. on the left, when it was approaching us + the end of the track, the art on the ground and on the trolley was of nyan cat. when it switched over to the track on the right to go back the other way, the art over there was of tac nayn, and the trolley would also transform to reflect this. so fucking weird. xD i love it. the next thing i really remember is being in a semi-shadowy room, lighting kinda scarce but giving a gentle, warm, reddish glow. like some of m’s string lights. could’ve been a remix of our place. probably was. rushi was there. we were all talking. m was lying on the floor between the couch and glass table for some reason, i was sitting, he was standing. at one point he struck up a conversation by asking if either of us had ever watched a show called “poops dumps”. that’s…. even funnier when i’m typing it out. neither m nor i had seen or heard of it, but my main response was to squeeze in next to m and say to her, “hi it’s vince with poops dumps” and cause (1) her to huff with anger and amusement, and (2) rushi to actually laugh at something we’d said. after everyone had recovered, he either described the show to us briefly or showed us a clip, and it was just…. people recording themselves on their phones while they took a shit. just faces, mind you, like any old selfie.

shortly thereafter, i woke up and took a shit, sans recording. lmao.

the other thing that was weird about sleep was the couple of times where, very briefly, i felt intense dizziness. it woke me up both times and was powerful enough that i felt anxious that i was going to have to throw up, but it abated so quickly. so weird. not sure if tequila-and-pizza-related, or maybe more just overtime stress-related. i’ve been surprised that i haven’t had MORE side effects of stress, honestly. haven’t been getting great sleep, pulling 12-hour days, all this ridiculous business with cute coworker keeping my heart rate up and my armpits way too sweaty, running up and down the stairs frequently. if the election was enough to make my chest feel like it was being squeezed to death, this…. what is this? not to mention how much drinking there’s been this week. my poor body. :/ i… need to work out. fuck. i need a doctor. i need a job with health insurance. i need the energy to job hunt and be a worthwhile candidate. i need a doctor. 😛 OH almost forgot on top of these things, my fucking car started acting up again this week. i think i’ve isolated it to maybe only happening when i’m braking and going rly slowly and turning the wheel a certain amount, which is something i’ve noticed before…. it’s also a little delayed when i’m shifting gears. well. not just delayed. the rpms drop a startling amount. that’s the whole thing. it acts like it might stall–thankfully, i guess, hasn’t happened yet *knocks on wood and bird* and i feel helpless and terrified. what i need to do is look at the list of known issues from the place that sold it to me and make a phone call tmrw when the mechanic a few blocks over is open again. and do some more googling. jesus fucking christ. with the low mileage i bought it at, this was supposed to be a good fucking car that lasted and didn’t have a bunch of bullshit. fuck. </3 i’m sorry i don’t know how to handle you, at least not yet.

it would be good to go to the mall area today and buy some perfume and maybe stop by home depot and attempt, *attempt* to get some matches for the paint.

if busy season is going to give me another good paycheck or two, it would be nice to get a couple of bigger-ticket items. like finally getting my fucking tattoo, if my acne behaves long enough :P. like finally finishing the new build. and like…. if i took out of savings, i’d have enough for the tattoo whenever i wanted. god, do they even still have my art on file? it’s been almost two years since my initial appointment. what shitty fucking timing. if i’d gone in without a specific artist in mind, maybe i could have gotten it done before i got laid off instead of sitting on the waitlist until it was too late. and now, after having m snap that area repeatedly with a rubber band as hard as possible, i’m kind of terrified of how much it will hurt, or at least that i won’t be able to handle it. or both.

phone bill due soon. thinking about upgrading this os, starting to be less worried about app compatibility.

nobody would want *me* for a job, lbr. i will probably lose my parents’ health insurance and not have anything to replace it. oh good yes let’s overwhelm ourselves with helpless thoughts

in the mirror

what a pointless holdover. it’s not meaningful or #deep or useful or anything, it’s… a twitch of muscle. endlessly self-perpetuating since i let it.

i’m still strapped to the grshr train. tonight i learned that ziyal and garak are apparently canon and i just…. made a lot of vomiting noises. their on-screen kiss shortly after this was really uncomfortable to watch. partly because of my own shipping preferences, for sure, but also… when she first came on the show, i thought she was basically a teenager. and garak is what, 40 or 50? i know age gaps aren’t inherently bad if both ppl are adults and freely consenting and all that, but in this case… they seem like a terrible romantic match. for one thing, none of their interactions look like cardassian flirting (okay, they’re both social rejects, with no hope of assimilating into cardassian society, it doesn’t have to be the point–but then why garak’s loyalty and insistence on maintaining form?) OR human flirting…. aside from the dialogue where ziyal’s feelings are really laid out, i would have read it more like a father/daughter kind of thing, especially since it seemed like garak was taking dukat’s place. idk, maybe cardassians don’t give a shit about age gaps like that (a fictional race where a much younger female is permitted to adore and fawn over an older man who’s done little to deserve it but exist and be himself around her. i just… yecch, i wish they hadn’t taken the romo road here. and admit that part of it is ship and part of it is squick. and part of it is just… trying to fit them into the other pieces i have of each character. a lot had to happen between them offscreen.

i was thinking of maybe doing a night court crossover fic, if i ever did anything creative. one chapter for each possibility. garak in eglantine. garak in… lol i guess bryony would be the house of ferengis then. but no, isn’t there a house that produces gardeners? or would that still be eglantine, to have that visual art component? garak could be cereus, i suppose. following the rules, the decorum, the unbreakable grace of his service. oh my god. i could do garak in each damn house. (yeah i could. lmao) julian in balm, obviously, or possibly gentian. either would be easy, obvious, fitting choices for the implant storyline. oh my god. julian and garak in valerian and mandrake. my stomach just.. did that thing where it feels like it dropped into my groin and i have no sexy way of describing it.

maybe someday. or maybe it’ll only ever be a plan of a plan. yeah, how about that one.

is it terrible that i wish ST could be semi-mandatory viewing for ppl in positions of power? to make sure they see this vision of a future society that respects life and does such an actual… decent job of providing for its citizens? makes actual improvements to quality of life and gives a shit? it doesn’t have to be this way.

my cracked tooth is hurting most of the time now. i think it sorta backed off over the weekend when i wasn’t having carrots for a snack, soooo that bodes well for my main snack component every week day. maybe the dentist i saw wasn’t such a terrible person. maybe. i can’t believe a fucking glass water bottle broke my front fucking tooth. (not broken, not yet, but probably will be if i try to wait 6 months for a second opinion. and at this rate i’ll still be insurance-less by then)

i’m supposed to take a shower tomorrow morning. i hope i do. i hope i do as well at work tomorrow as i did today. i hope i smell less unwashed and musty than i did today. later in the day, i came back to my seat, and someone had sprayed some kind of… scented aerosol of some sort in the area. it didn’t smell like the usual lysol. was it a hint, or coincidental? does it matter, given how noticeably i smelled? 😛

i might actually be getting over my work crush. how disappointing. last friday, a bunch of ppl from near my area were leaving at the same time as me and we were all talking about the overtime the next day and joking and smiling, and he came up the stairs as we were heading down, and i happened to see him and meet his eyes mid-grin. it felt good but not electric. then when i was putting my shit in my car, he walked past and said, “see you tomorrow” with this big smile on his face, like, god damn, what a bright smile. is that even a compliment or is that just toothpaste advertising? an… effusive smile? ugh. and i hate my body and face enough these days that maybe i’m rejecting myself for him anyway. i feel like he’s too conventionally attractive to see anything worthwhile about me, physically–but maybe he hasn’t been looking that hard anyway. or maybe it’s more obvious when not all bundled up for this freezing-ass weather. or if he ever tried to touch me. i genuinely disgust myself.

it’s nice to be saying all these things, for once, but i have to go to bed before it can get any later.

P.S. i did finally respond to ALL the backlog of messages from m. fuckin’ yeah.

snif

i’m tired and don’t feel well, but apparently want to blog anyway

so yeah, i think i caught my mom’s cold from last weekend like she realized i might, AFTER sharing her ice cream with me. it isn’t as terrible as last year’s, yet, but it’s still been surprisingly annoying. a lot of coughing. my left nostril is over-dried from the fluticasone and it hurts to breathe so clearly through that one + not the other one. which is annoying bc i thought i did a better job of getting the fluticasone dose into my right nostril. i put some vaporub on my chest before settling in to this post to try to numb my throat. hopefully being outside a bunch earlier didn’t exacerbate it or anything… i should text mom to tell her she was (probably) right and compare symptoms, and text dad to be sad about the npr programming we’re losing.

but hey, yeah, i did play a lot of pkmn today. both of the go and moon varieties. i’d been sitting at 11 on a tough eevee sos chain for a few days, building up apprehension/expectation/anxiety bc i’d just started breaking in a new team… i got it to 24 (out of a goal of at least 31 eevees, after which point i’d catch the first female i could find) while watching tv with the baird, and wasn’t paying especial attention, when we exited the battle for some reason? I don’t think I did anything to cause it to faint, but i must have gotten a critical hit on my last move or something. it was too early to struggle. either that or it ran away but that’s unheard of, isn’t it? so that was disappointing but at least i figured out a decent strategy for my current team–it can be kind of slow, but it’s getting faster as everyone levels. (and easier to accidentally one-hit). so most of the reason i’m still awake is because i decided i was going to get back to where i was in the sos chain tonight, and i only just accomplished that.

also played some of pkmn go, and cashed in on that sweet vday special to get a bunch of things i hadn’t even seen before. i’m so lickitung. god bless all the licky pokemon. and it was nice to be outside for once, even if i feel paranoid abt discussing the weather in case it’s some kind of Clue~

i only barely heard about this on friday, but apparently there was a wp hack? given that it had to do with updates of one sort, i was nervous, but my blog appears to have auto-updated already to the version with the patch. thank god… i really need to learn more abt privacy and junk. m and i were talking to the sib earlier this week (after watching Paris Is Burning! which is fucking fantastic and i wish more queer ppl would watch it) and realized that they actually… have surpassed me in a significant, practical way. a little sad but mostly proud.

last night, for what felt like a long time, i dreamed about brett. hanging out with him on what might be my brain’s reconstruction of the downtown waterfront… except it was way more residential. i think we talked a lot but don’t remember what he said anyway. it left me w a surprising number of feelings. just him and me, walking around, talking about…. anything, it seemed like. sometimes i wonder if i still “really” love him, whatever that means. i think it’s more just that our relationship was the last relationship i remember feelings mostly un-conflicted over. feeling my feelings, falling in love. Except…. I know that’s not rly true. Melissa was like that for a while, before Everything Fucked Up Forever and How Do We Undo This

last, aaaaaaaaa, the work potluck on fri! so much good food. AND cute coworker and i had a little conversation. i initiated after seeing that he apparently brought things for the potluck, being surprised bc most of the ppl who work in his area wouldn’t be able to take lunch at the set time of the potluck. i jumped right into being casual with him and he went with it and sounded rly nice, but at the end, i said “we’ll see” and he said “we’ll see” right back and i don’t know if it was socially affirming or if it was the kind of repetition where you’ve, you know, disengaged from the conversation and the person who you were talking to and you’re just verbally solidifying how little you care. OF COURSE IT COULD GO EITHER WAY. and yes of course i’m giving a shit about this. i’m sorry fuck i don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, you’re just really cute and every time i see your face from across the room i can’t help but be like, “wow he’s really gorgeous” and it just slaps me in the stomach. by comparison, i’m old fat unkempt unfashionable garbage, so yeah i’m kinda thinking i make him feel uncomfortable if anything at all. i’m sorry, i try to be not annoying or doing anything that might cross a boundary. oh and THEN after the potluck has been going on and he’d gotten a few plates of food and was heading back from his (second) lunch, he like…. came out to say thank you to everyone for the food. who does that?! it was surprisingly thoughtful. i just…. i have no idea who he is, man. every time i think i’m letting go xD

i woke up at a reasonable weekend hour this morning. the sun was actually coming through my blinds, making everything look weekend-perfect. i gathered up a bunch of my stuff to have with me in bed before getting up, and among other things, i… took 15 minutes between sos eevees to try to describe the “ideal me”. It’s funny, I was kind of expecting/hoping for something so far away from who i currently am, but really, i ended up writing something more transitional, like, someone who i could get to if i Just Started Doing Things. it just described my current priorities rather than becoming an overwhelming wish list.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa exhausting

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i need a (concise) tag for this work crush

IMMEDIATE P.S. oh yeah had to go thru my tumblr earlier for potential security reasons and saw some of my original posts from 2014-15. i was actually…. saying decent things that i have no memory of saying. it seems like maybe it really is important for me to write down how i’m doing and what i’m feeling, AND continue looking back on that, to be able to examine and remember it and integrate it. so there’s that